Corrupt-a-Wish brought to you by LAN
Pit:
Hopefully everyone has an email client that groups email replies together.
Make sure only to reply to a corrupt-a-wish and not to create a new email.
Reply with a reason that the previous wish goes bad and add on your new wish.
example:
Nick: I wish for a .NET programming book
Eric: You attempt to read the book and paper cuts make you bleed all over the writing. You can no longer read your book. 
Eric: I wish for a card board box.
my turn:
Your card board box eats you.
I wish for a billion dollars.
——
Slurp:
President Bush declares war on you, has you killed, and takes all your money.
I wish for a young asian american sex slave.
——
Nick:
The young Asian American Sex Slave turns out to be a male…
You are now gay.
I wish for a new car.
——
Slurp:
Your wife divorces you, takes ownership of your new car in divorce court and runs you over with it. You are paralysed from the waste down and never drive any car ever again.
I wish for a young female, asian american, sex slave. you bitch.
——
Nick:
The young female, asian American, sex slave has AIDS. You get infected and die of pneumonia.
I wish for a new car. J Checkmate.
——
Slurp:
your second new car is stolen by what looks like your ex wife’s new lover while you watch helplessly from your cripple chair. you should have wished for a new scooter.
i wish for a nice morning poop.
damnit Pit…. your little game is already effecting my life… i’m late
for school
——
Pit:
there is a snake in your toilet and it bites your ass. Now you are really late for school because no one will suck the venom out.
i wish for a lama
——
Nick:
You get your lama… and as it turns out, a lama is a small Taiwanese fighting fish that specifically likes to eat human flesh; it eats your arms.
I wish for a llama. J
——
Pit:
you get your llama nick and it is infested with small flesh eating aphids.
you spend the rest of your days analyzing blood samples and hanging fly
strips in your house. soon you find out that there are egg sacks under your
teeth and are forced to pull them all with pliers, but you love your llama.
i wish for a metal spork
——
Dave:
wow this is going to be a long day.
——
Pit:
dave wishes for a short day…
something really bad happens to end his day prematurely.
i wish for my metal spork
——
Dave:
Pit’s metal spork is really a fork.
Pit dies because all he has to eat is soup.
i wish for some turkish delights.
——
Nick:
Your Turkish delights were infiltrated by terrorists and had anthrax sprinkled on top. You thought they were Powdered Turkish Delights; you thought wrong and you die.
I wish for new laptop.
——
Pit:
nick, you get your new laptop. But it’s VERY new. So new that it’s from the future. When you aren’t looking, it unfolds its mechanical legs and launches a jihad against your neighborhood. you come home to find Arabic messages written in blood all over your house.
i wish for an aircraft carrier
——
Nick:
You received your air craft carrier… 1:18 scale replica of the U.S.S. Saratoga… You’re so excited by this, you go to stick it on the ‘collectibles shelf’ in your room, but trip over the cat and it pokes your eye out. You are now one-eyed.
I wish for a flux capacitor.
——
Pit:
nick, you get your flux capacitor. When you hook it up to the 1.21 gigawatts of power that you generate in your makeshift solar panel system on top of your house, you manage to electrocute yourself. But before the power kills you, your body disappears.
i wish for a shrubbery
——
John:
You feel bad about kidnapping the Lama from his monastery in India, so he now resides in your closet. Upon seeing your desire for a shrubbery, he presents you with a Tibetan Goji Berry plant. You have in your hands a key to long life! But, it was a trap! The Lama springs forth from the closet in an attempt to escape. Whirling saffron and burgundy robes confuse you, causing you to trip and impale yourself upon the Goji berry shrubbery. It is now sticking out of your liver. You bleed to death with a nutritious snack sticking out of you.
Oh, I wish for a remote control like Zack Morris had in Saved By the Bell, so I can stop time.
——
Nick:
You get your remote control device but upon assembly, you fail to read the instructions and put the batteries in backwards. The remote control backfires and sends time for only yourself, forward at unimaginable speeds. You quickly reach the end of your life within moments and shortly after, turn to dust; you are dead.
I wish for a buttered biscuit.
——
Pit:
Nick, your wish is granted. You receive a buttered biscuit but it’s laced with peyote. The colors of the world seem to be a little bit brighter and you feel yourself slip into a child-like state of euphoria…. but its Halloween season so i don’t see that lasting very much longer.
that was a good wish. I wish for a buttered biscuit
——
John:
Overnight President Bush has ordered strategic strikes on Iranian military and nuclear facilities. Unbeknown st to us, at the last OPEC meeting it was agreed that if the US uses military force against Iran, that it would freeze all exports to the US. The price of oil is now $400/barrel. Emergency blackouts are ordered across the country and we are under martial law, to protect against this act of economic terrorism. Bakeries around the country are closing down indefinitely. Its pure and utter chaos. Word has it that there is a place in town that still produces biscuits, but they are $20 each.
So you can still have a biscuit .. the question is, are you willing to KILL for
it?!
I wish for free energy.
——
Pit:
John, you are struck by lightening.
I wish for stilts.
——
Nick:
In a whirlwind of magic sparkles and faery dust the world is bathed in free energy. You then woke up and realized that you were sun-burnt by that free energy, and the whirlwind and faery dust you were experiencing was really a dust storm. You die of heat exhaustion and the communist party comes by and offers a proper burial.
I wish for a McFish Sandwhich.
——
Nick:
You receive stilts, but they were manufactured in China by sub-par works with poor work ethics. At first attempt, you step up on the stilt only to have it shatter into a million shards that implant them into your leg. The other stilt buckles under pressure and shatters as well; a shard goes straight through your groin… you cry and cry. The communists laugh at your dilemma.
I wish for a Shakespearian Donkey.
——
Pit:
Nick, your wish is granted. You receive a donkey that recites Shakespearean plays. As it turns out, you cannot understand donkey talk. The constant donkey chatter drives you insane. You try to get rid of the beast several times, but each day you wake up to the horrible racket and it has returned. Finally you convince yourself that in order to get rid of it, you must skin and eat the creature alive. He doesn’t come back.
I wish for a cup of coffee.
——
John:
You go to the local McDonalds, whose arches have been replaced by a hammer and sickle. When you receive your filet o’fish, something about it is not right. When you ask to see the ingredients list, you are informed that information is no longer available. A closed circuit camera seems to be following you around the restaurant.
I wish for an xbox360 and halo3 so I can waste the next 60 years of my life.
——
Pit:
Your wish was granted John. You received an XBox360 and play halo3 over the internet with people from all over the world. You become so good at the game that you develop a large following. Soon you cannot go anywhere without people knowing who you are and where you are from. Finally one day, a crazed stalker who typically only watches you sleep, decides to enter your house and eats your chi to become as powerful as you. He ends up beating you in halo3 and he becomes the most famous.
i wish for a cup of coffee
——
John:
When you go online to check out prices of stilts, you find that none are for sale. Upon further investigation, it seems that the clown sect of PT Barnum and Baileys circus has a monopoly on all stilts in the United States. You really want the stilts, so you set a meeting with one of the clowns to negotiate a price. Much to your dismay, you find out that the clowns only trade stilts for clown gangbang sex. A car full of 12 midget clowns rolls up and they go to town on your balloon knot. You are now the not so proud owner of the highest quality stilts in the world, but your chocolate starfish is so badly torn, that you won’t be able to walk straight for 6 months.
It was worth it.
——
A little delayed is Foster:
Pit, you get your cup of coffee and it is wonderful. It is steaming hot, and full of caffeine, you feel great after drinking it. This coffee was so good that you decide to seek another. In their infinite lack of wisdom, starbucks has harvested every last coffee plant in order to fulfill the now overwhelming number of orders from coffee loving patrons. You are deeply troubled to find out that that may be your last cup of coffee. You may have to start drinking tea.
I wish for world peace.
——
Nick:
You get your world peace… but you were misunderstood by the god’s that be and thought you were asking for world piece… the earth is now shattered into billions of pieces… you are stuck on a floating chunk of earth all by yourself. It’s peaceful, but you’re lonely. Another chunk of earth floats by you, the communists are on it pointing and laughing at you. You feel dumb. You try to kill yourself, but there’s no means to do so.
I wish for a Shakespearian Parrot.
——
Again, slow, is now Slurp:
yourself excluded, all human life on earth is destroyed. doves fly.
i wish for both a glorious penis and talent in bed. two things never before seen together naturally.
——
Pit:
Nick, you receive your Shakespearean Parrot. It is beautifully colored and perches on your shoulder. It has a beard and mustache on its face and a hat with a feather on it on top of its head. The bird also as bi-polar personality disorder. Half of the time he’s a tragedy and half of the time he’s a comedy. In an attempt to medicate himself to even things out, the bird finds your liquor cabinet and attempts to drown his sorrows in your vodka. He dies of alcohol poisoning.
I wish for red sparkly shoes.
——
Pit:
Slurp, you get your wish. However, the gods have cursed you with the face of Ron Jeremy.
I wish for red sparkly shoes.
——
Nick:
You get your red, sparkly shoes. You put them on, and instantaneously you are whisked into the sky. You come to, and find yourself face down on what appears to be a yellow-brick road. Someone approaches you and they have the world’s highest voice and oh god is it annoying. You begin to realize what has happened, you’re not in Kansas anymore. You go to get up but find that all of your limbs are restrained. As your vision becomes more clear, you see that these little people look nothing like the Wizard of Oz, yet, they look like natives from some far land. The one that approached you has a bucket of clear liquid… you believe it’s water… they douse you with it and set you on fire. It was not water, but some extremely flammable, natural liquid. You die of burns and they eat your charred remains. Come to find out, you were no longer indeed in Kansas, however, you were whisked away to a remote island of cannibals.
I wish for a Rubbermaid storage container.
——
Pit:
Nick, you receive a large rubbermaid storage container. There are many body parts inside and the cops show up soon after.
I wish for a dozen eggs.
——
Nick:
You receive your dozen eggs only to find out that they are experimental eggs from the Humans for Ninjas group. They quickly hatch and Ninjas spring to life instantly destroying anything in their path; you are a casualty of their destruction.
I wish for a 1967 Chevy Nova
——
John:
You find an 67 Nova in glorious condition on eBay, for a good price too!
You cannot believe how much of a steal this car is, and you count yourself lucky. Unfortunately the next day California passes regulations on automobiles that get under 40mpg. All other cars must be for ’show’ only.
Your Nova sure looks pretty in your living room.
I wish we would sign the Kyoto protocols
——
Nick:
Your wish is granted and the United States signs the Kyoto Protocols.
However, to the United States dismay, a set of paperwork to sign over the
United States to Russia was strategically placed under the Kyoto Protocols
with a carbon copy sheet placed above it. The United States now belongs to
Russia. Russia has a Utopian idea to change the US to a haven of Russian
leisure where it’s new citizens are currently enslaved to do what they say
and treat the Russians Proper as royalty. But like most things Russia
plans, the idea falls a part and the US is driven into extreme poverty as
the few Russian officials line their pockets. You have effectively signed
your country over to communism. The people are mad at you and kill you by
disembowelment. You are dead.
I wish for a turkey baster.
——
Pit:
John, your wish is granted. USA accepts the terms of the Kyoto protocols.
The paperwork is filled out and some parties are thrown.
Then scientists start working on a new way to hurt the world.
I wish for a dog
——
Nick:
Pit, you receive your dog with much surprise via UPS next day air. You
open the parcel and your little dog jumps out and stands before you. You
are very shocked as this website had promised you a poodle, and instead you
got a sheep. You are quite baffled. You call the company and they say it
was a shipping error, and will have someone pick up the animal in the
morning. You think to yourself…. “Tomorrow, eh? No sense in making the
animal used just because of a shipping error.” And you begin to make mad
love to the sheep before returning it. The next day as you are putting the
parcel out on your doorstep your neighbors look at you strangely trying to
figure out if it was just some random, sick movie you were watching or were
you indeed making mad love to a sheep; they cannot see into the parcel.
They’ll never know.
I wish for a Nintendo Wii.
——
Mars:
Nick you come home only to find that your penis has been replaced inside the
wifey by a nice new shiny Wii controller. you feel great remorse about your
decision and die sad, alone, and unsexed. ummm love
i wish for a redbull and a smile
——
David:
You had a wonderful time with a blind date last night and woke up with her
next to you with a nagging pain on your butt. You turn over and see a
broomstick, a rubber ducky, and a redbull on the nightstand…yet you can’t
help but smile and feel satisfied.
I wish for a jetplane and a headphone
——
Pit:
David, you receive your jetplane and headphones. During your first flight,
you place the headphones onto your head. Your favorite music starts
playing, but the montra you begin chanting is not the one the at you
remember form the song. “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is
strength.” During the flight, the plane seems to take control of itself.
You are whisked away to a preprogrammed location. Unbeknown to the rest of
the world, the secret substructure of the informal ATT/Microsoft/Starbucks
super corporation takes their plane back and throws you into a giant camp
where you are forced to pick coffee beans while chanting “War is peace.
Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength” for the rest of your life.
i wish for a stapler
——
Slurp:
“i have your stapler right here you son of a bitch” says el diablo as he
waits impatiently for you to take it from his fiery hand.
i wish for a lovely bunch of coconuts
——
Mars:
you wake up from your drunkin stooper and you butt feels penitrated
… You roll to find a naked man laying next to you with “lovely bunch
of coconuts” tatooed above his penis and balls
i wish for pepsi
——
Nick:
Mars, you receive your Pepsi, but to your surprise it’s one of Pepsi’s attempts at creating a new and fancy soda. It is the New Diet Pepsi Clear Fantasy Summer Blend. You take a sip, and spit it back out nearly instantaneously. Minutes later, you see on the news that Pepsi has recalled their new blend of Pepsi due to a contamination of rat poisoning. You are now a statistic.
I wish for a warm blanket.
——
David:
Nick, you come home after a long day’s work and find a pile of clothes on
the hallway. While rummaging through it, you find a warm blanket and
various articles of clothing that were unfamiliar. The sound of the shower
became evident to you as you entered to inquire about the pile. The door
opened and a hairy midget comes out and walks out the door, with a big grin
on his face.
I wish for a vacuum and a calculator
——
Pit:
David granted. You receive a calculator that only works in base-9 number
system and a vacuum that only works in reverse.
i wish for an idea.
——
Nick:
Pit, your wish is granted. You receive a magnificent idea. It’s an idea for an ingenious machine that will bring you fame and fortune. Just as your are having your grandiose idea, “Slacker” comes up to you and starts talking to you about WoW… you immediately forget what you were thinking about. You try to remember, but cannot… the idea is gone forever.
I wish for a sledgehammer and a tuba.
——
Slurp:
the powers that be ignore you for being stupid. you do not get a
sledgehammer. you to not get a tuba.
i wish for friends that will not judge me harshly for being a verbally
abusive asshole.
i <3 you nick.
——
Pit:
Slurp, you receive friends that do not judge you for being verbally abusive,
but they judge you for being a flamer.
i wish for jujubees.
——
Seemingly to have gone back in time, Slurp:
“i have an idea right here you son of a bitch” says the genie as he whips
out his giant blue genie cock.
i wish for your mom
——
Pit:
Slurp, your wish is granted by your brother. Also, you a a huge flamer.
i wish for jujubees
——
Slurp:
can you imagine what would happen if your room was instantaneously filled
with a lifetime supply of jujubees while you are in it? i can’t. if you
happen to survive without sustaining any life threatening injury and are
able eat your way to your keyboard; please let me know.
i wish for greener earth
——
Foster:
Slurp, your wish has come true. All scientific models on global warming
failed to take into account leep year. As a result, the polar ice
caps have melted and the sea level has risen a startling 100 feet.
Whats worse is the temperature of the earth has risen three whole
degrees. Algee and phytoplankton run amuck turning all the oceans
into a green wasteland of stench. Your earth is very much greener.
I wish for an afternoon delight.
——
Nick:
Your afternoon delight arrives in a quaint box. It’s addressed to you with the return label of some corporation which is vaguely familiar to you. You open the box and inside is another little box, almost like one of those little Russian doll deals. You open the next box, and surprise! It’s another little box. You open that box, and you get sucked into a parallel universe. When you come to you see that everyone looks like you, male or female. You attempt to talk to them, but all you can say is Foster with varying verbal inflections. This is not the afternoon delight you wished for, but for John Malkovitz, it is.
I want my tuba damnit.
——
Slurp:
“no. no tuba for you.” says the genie in his best soup barron voice. you do
however get a bowl of soup.
i wish for an e-mail service that offers me products based on what it reads
in the e-mails i send to and receive from friends.
——
Pit:
slurp, you suck at this game.
nick, your wish is granted. You receive a giant tuba. But when you
attempt to play it, you discover that it’s covered in crazy glue.
i wish for a bowl of soup
——
Nick:
agreed, jon you do suck at this game.
Your wish for a bowl of soup is granted. However, there is a large chunk of
playdough in your soup. You attempt to remove the playdough, but then
quickly find out that it’s really C-4 and mere nanoseconds later, it
explodes. You are yet again soupless.
I wish for a pair of tennis shoes.
——
Mars:
you recieve your shoe box in the mail from you online shoe retailer. as per
usual it says the name of the brand of shoe purchased and so on but inside a
picture of the shoes you ordered …. puzzled, you are still shoeless and
feel somewhat without shoes
i wish for a double venti carmel affogato style with whip cream vanilla bean
frappuccino .. my favorite starbucks drink Hooray
——
Dave:
the barista pees in your double venti whatchamacallit.
i wish for the voices in my head to stop yelling at me
——
Lee:
The voices in your head tell you to eat a dick. You listen.
I wish for pocket lint.
——
Pit:
Granted Dave.
At 6:30am you wake up and get ready for work. You take your cereal and milk
out of your closet and set them on your chair. For a moment you debate
about whether or not to eat before you take your morning bath. Before you
decide whether or not it is safe, there comes a rumbling under your house
and your ceiling splits right open in two parts ~~ again :-(. The giant
frog head that you had been accustomed to talking to over the passed few
weeks applauds you for not pissing your pants this time. When he tries to
speak, no words come out. He becomes angry and doesn’t go away like he
normally does. He writes a note in the magnet letters on your fridge… I
WILL NEVER GO AWAY.
Granted Lee.
You receive your pocket lint, but you cannot get it out of
your pocket. It also attracts animals in heat.
I wish for a talking turtle.
——
John:
Pit, your wish is granted.
When you awake tomorrow morning.
A turtle will be on the pillow beside you
(I don’t mean Annie). This turtle will gaze into your eyes. The depth of
his presence will draw you into a hidden universe that is sparkling with
possibility. As you lose yourself in his majestic turtledom, he starts to
softly sing the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard. All your cares and
worries seem to just melt away, as if they never existed. This talking
turtle truly is magical.
Then, you realize that your mortgage payment is due today and you are short
on cash. You go to the local Japanese market and sell them the talking
turtle for $200, who they will turn into a magically delicious bowl of
Suppon.
I wish to own land in the Rockies, with a stream where I can fish, and
fertile soil to grow organic vegetables.
——
Slurp:
you get your land in the colorado rockies. the trout on the big thompson
river are second to none. as the big thompson is so plentiful, fishing
takes up little of your time, despite being one of your favorite
hobbies. since you are wealthy from your very successful book writing
carreer you are able to spend most of your time tending to your garden. you
own lots of property and use the most modern small farm equipment. the cool
breeze from the snow capped rockies is a natural deterrent for most garden
pests which helps you keep your crops 100% pesticide free. you capture
solar energy to power equipment like pumps for wells and batteries for
mechanised equipment. your well system collects water from the local water
table of the big thompson and is used to sustain life across the carey
farm. your resources and efficiency in managing your resources allows for
year long production that more than sustains the needs that you and your
family have. for the winter months, you have large greenhouses that allow
you to supply yourself with fresh produce year long. unbeknown to you
however, recently appointed president george bush iii, has approved a bill
for the storage of industrial wastes at the base of the colorado rockies.
toxins like mercury and cyanide, just to name a few, seep into the water
table the carey farm wells its water from. unaffected by the presence of
mercury and cyanide your crops provided no warnings that along with vitamins
and minerals they were now also packed with poisons. yourself and your
family slowly fade away into comas before succumbing to cardiac
arrest shortly after a celebration of the first summer harvest of 2023. if
only you had paid closer attention to the fish populations of the big
thompson. perhaps you would have noticed the grave danger you were in.
i wish for a Bushmaster .223 Varmit rifle with silencer.
——
Mars:
A black man shoots you and takes your Bushmaster .223 Varmit rifle with
silencer and robs my work killing me and many of my coworkers before being
gunned down himself … what a day
i wish for the dell XPS H20
——
Nick:
You get a knock on the door of your new residence (congrats by the way). You
look out the peep hole and see this man with a hurried look on his face
wearing what appears to be a hotdog vendor shirt. You open the door, and
realize that it wasn’t a hotdog vendor, but DHL making a delivery. The man
forces a small box into your hand and abruptly asks you to, “Sign here…”
He points with the stylus to what appears to be a Palm Visor from 1993. You
scribble, “Derek Liketosockme” because you are cool like that. The man
thanks you and wishes you to have a nice day. You wave in your infinite
Eric-dom and say, “Yeah, thanks, bye bye.” You close the door. You wonder,
what the hell is in this little box, and why did I have to sign for it. You
don’t recall ordering anything from Newegg, and you certainly know that
Michelle isn’t addicted to ebay… yet.
You go to the kitchen and find a box cutter in the
oh-my-no-no-what’s-in-this-drawer
drawer. You slice along the taped seam of the box and rip it open. Inside
sits a bottle of mineral water with it’s back facing you. You think to
yourself, “What the fuck?” You grasp the bottle and pull it out, turning
the front of the bottle towards you so you can read it. “No fucking way!”
You exclaim. You are holding in your hand a $4,000, bottle of mineral water
branded by Dell. You attempt to call customer support, but it appears all
lines have been disconnected. Frustrated you go to the internet on your
current rig and look up dell’s website. A domain-for-sale page comes up
offering to sell you dell.com for a mere $99 a month. You go to
digg.comand find that dell closed it’s doors nearly two weeks ago, but
not before
sending out all of the people who ordered the Dell XPS H2O system real H2O.
You peer into the screen of the domain-for-sale website and an automated
voice comes to life, “Looking for a domain? Having a difficult time getting
what you want? Try our new domain…” You snap the speakers off or their
stands and throw them across the room yelling, “Shizu ka to antawa stabushi
mas!!”
You hear a knock at the door. You walk back to the front of the house and
quickly snap open the door. It’s Jonathan Foster and he’s holding a bottle
of Dell branded water in one hand and a earth-friendly rattan basket full of
organic vegetables… He’s smiling. As you sit and talk for a sec he pulls
out a red pamphlet with The Benefits of Communism written across the front.
You turn pale. Why hadn’t you seen it earlier. There was red everywhere!
You just thought it was a really big Chinese New Year celebration… You
panic and pull out a map of the United States and realize it doesn’t say
United States. It says The Motherland of Stalin across the top, and in
smaller writing beneath it, you see it says A Commonwealth of the Russian
Empire. “Oh my damn…” you gasp.
Michelle is socking you in the arm… “Wake up!!!” You burst awake, in a
cold sweat. “Honey, you okay?” She’s gazing at you with concern.
“Yeah… I think I am.” You rub your eyes and grab your glasses. You
grasp them and put them on your face. You stumble out of bed and head for
the bathroom. You see the warm glow of your computer screen and it
immediately attracts you. You sit down in front of it and begin to browse.
Things seem okay… you can get to Dell’s webpage… You find that the
system you were dreaming about didn’t exist, it was the Dell XPS H2C that
you were really interested in… you knew that. Damn dreams. There’s a
knock at the front door. You look at the clock in the taskbar… 4am?
“Who the hell is knocking on my door at 4am?” you think to yourself. You
look out the peephole, and there’s Jon Foster standing there. You open the
door and he has a bottle of water in one hand and a rattan basket in the
other and it’s full of vegetables; deja vu? “Hey man, what’s up? you say.
“Not much… just walking through the neighborhood on my way home, seeing
how I don’t have a car and I work 30 miles from where I live… it’s for a
better environment!” You chuckle to yourself. Jon continues on, “Hey, did
I ever show you this?” He pulls out a red pamphlet with The Benefits of
Communism written across the front. You panic… again. You whip out the
map, it still says USA on the top. You are a bit relieved, then you turn to
him and ask, “What the fuck man? What’s up with that pamphlet?” Jon looks
at the pamphlet… “Oh man, I’m sorry…” he shoves it back in his pocket,
“some guy gave that to me at a rally i went to..” He then pulls out a
pre-release version of Halo3. You drool… “Wanna Play?” he asks
serendipitously. You succumb to the request and indulge in a few hours of
Halo3 all the while thinking to yourself, “is communism a threat?” I guess
we’ll never know.
I wish for a boat with an outboard motor.
——
Pit:
Granted. You receive a boat with an on board motor and take it up to
mercury lake in the rockies. While you are putting around, John Carey
points out a huge fish. You lean over the side to see it, but the boat is
not as stable as you’d think. You plop into the water, but fear not! Your
boat buddy, John turns on the motor and executes his man overboard
routine. Your shoelace is sucked into the prop along with your foot, shin,
thigh, pelvis, stomach, sternum, neck and head respectively.
I wish for a trip to mexico
——
Pit:
DOH! it was outboard wasnt it.
——
Slurp:
you get your trip to mexico. a cruise to be exact. while enjoying a trip
to the shores of cancun you get into one of those peso porto potties where
the douchebag outside wants an american dollar per cut of toilet paper. he
hasn’t made much money today and locks you in. the horns sounds on the
cruise ship alerting you that it will be leaving soon. you attempt to break
free… after all it is just a porto potty. no match for the fury of
jeremy. unfortunately a policia militar was waiting to use that porto potty
and takes you into military custody for destruction of private property.
the rest of this corrupt-a-wish is too unpleasant to describe. (and i’m
late for school)
i wish for a clean pair of boxers
——
Dave:
you get your clean pair of boxers, but have diarrhea. it was good while it
lasted…
i wish for lee to corrupt to my wish so that I can in turn currupt his wish
and get him back for his earlier corrupting of my “voices in my head” wish.
——
Slurp:
i corrupted your wish ruining your plan for revenge.
i wish for a young sugar momma.
——
Nick:
Wish granted…
At 12:30pm on a random summer day you go to your mailbox and check for mail. Eureka! It’s finally come. The brightly colored, orange and yellow pastel envelope sits patiently waiting for you to open her. You read the front, “Jalisco Vacations Come True… wow, finally.” You take your letter opener and slide it through the top of the envelope effortlessly. You pull out your two plane tickets and an itinerary. You yell out, “Annie! It’s finally come… we’re going to Mexico in three weeks!!”
< <
You both have boarded the plane preparing to take off for the trip. Your itinerary says it will be a 1300 mile trip and will take roughly 14 hours. You start day dreaming of what the travel agent described to you… Warm beaches, a comfortable hotel with five star service, a large pool with luxury spa. You can feel it around you, the day dream embraces you and you fall fast asleep.
Before you know it you’re ready to land, it seemed like you just took off. That was a great nap! And to make things better, the pilot caught a tailwind and got both of you there in 7 hours; half the time! You’re excited. You look out the window and see the beaches, the ocean, lots of people. The plane begins to turn toward Guadalajara, and you start to think to yourself, “Are we supposed to go this way?” It’s of no matter to you, you’re here, in Mexico with your chica. The plane begins its descent and soon after, lands in Guadalajara. You pick up your bags at the luggage claim and head out to grab a Taxi. You and Annie get into a Taxi and you tell the cab driver, “Necesitamos ir al hotel de Jalisco de la mar.” The cab driver looks at you funny, and smiles… silly white boy speaking Spanish… it’s cute. He turns to you and says, “Si. Nosotros vamos al hotel de Jalisco de la mar. Tambien… I speak English.” Everyone has a great laugh and you’re on your way. The drive is not too long, but the scenery looks dismal. The driver pulls up and stops at what appears to be a rundown shack. “Here is The Hotel Jalisco of the Ocean!” He makes a dramatic wave with his arm as if he were Vanna White revealing a letter on Wheel of Fortune.
You enter the building and to your surprise, it’s actually well kept. The outside looks like a dump, but it’s got nothing on the inside. So you think to yourself… this is a plus. You are shown to your room, and you get inside… even better. The sheets on the bed are nice and soft, the fixtures are gold plated, there’s even fresh fruit in a basket on the table. As you and Annie are taking in the scenery someone knocks on the door. You look out the peephole and you nearly shit your pants. It’s Jon Carey! Well, not really, but the man looks so much like him. He’s got a basket of fresh linens, “Here you go señor.” You take the linens to the bathroom and go join Annie on the balcony and sit beside her. You put your arm around her and let out a long sigh. You’ve finally made it to Mexico.
I just couldn’t let that one go bad… it was too good to let go down hill. J
I wish for a Japanese Bullet Train.
——
Pit:
Slurp, your wish is granted. You sign up for a mail order husband site, where
the richest women in the world find their well kept, male counter parts and
sex slaves. I very rich&retired, Asian super model flies you to meet her.
You get off the plane to meet your sugar momma, but when you do, you are hit
by a Japanese bullet train.
Nick, your wish is granted. A Japanese Bullet Train is derailed in Japan
and flies over seas to the US. When it arrives at your house, it takes up
the entire street and cannot move due to lack’of’track. Sooner or later the
city is gonna hall it away.
i wish for a pie
——
Dave:
granted. you get your pie, but its a little tart. tragedy.
i wish for a buffet of dismembered human body parts
——
Nick:
You are walking down Shattuck and take a turn into the Little Hunan. You
surprisingly see they’ve installed a Buffet. The aroma is amazing. You
walk up to the cashier and give the girl a twenty. She smiles and gives you
no change. You ask her, “How much is the buffet?” She respectfully says
that it is twenty dollars even, but you can have all you can eat. You think
to yourself, that’s exactly the point of a buffet. You do not argue with
the cashier, grab your soda glass and a plate and had wished that you’d at
least gotten a last name after being financially raped. Oh well… You
walk up to the buffet and look around. So many selections… You see what
appears to be Tempura, so you grab a few. There are a few Chinese
characters written above each entree and oddly nothing is in English. You
shrug it off and continue selecting food. You move down the line and start
seeing larger entrees. You swear one looks like a deep friend hand, but
it’s probably just chicken. You go to fill up your soda, and find that it’s
broken, but there is a pitcher of what appears to be watered down tomatoe
juice. You pour yourself a glass and proceed to find a table. You take a
bite out of the Tempura and notice a rather large bone in it. “Fricken
hell!” you exclaim and you toss it aside. You’ve nearly chipped a tooth.
You forget the Tempura and start on the hand-shaped, deep friend chicken.
You bite into the chicken, and this time you definately crack a few teeth.
You see that it is indeed a hand. You nearly soil your pants with
excitement and begin to consume the succulent delicacy. You then choke on a
digit, and die… but you die happy.
I want a gas guzzling SUV that has 10 cylinders and gets 3 miles per gallon.
——
Slurp:
nick nick nick…… haven’t you learned yet? you get your massive gas
guzzling V10 SUV with a 8″ lift and 27″ spinners. the gmc sperm whale. a
fine american automobile. the gps screen plots green, yellow and red travel
zones by how much fuel remains in the tank. gas station stops are factored
into the every trip. there are many freeways you have to avoid because
exits with gas stations aren’t frequent enough. (and won’t be until
starbucks starts selling gasoline.) not that any of this matters really.
the fucker is so big you can’t even reach the door handles from your
wheelchair. you have to pay high school students to drive you around.
HAha. you stupid cripple.
i wish for a std that inhibits the production of hair from all follicles
below a womans neck.
——
Slurp:
wt!!! i read that whole thingand nothing bad happened… you senor are
fired.
——
Pit:
Slurp wishes for something bad to happen… Granted. His house burns down…
but the wish is corrupted when a brand new beuatiful house pops up in its
place.
i wish for a PB&J sandwich
——
Slurp:
right wing extremists have outlawed peanut butter and jelly along with
millions of other “unhealthy” foods. if only natalie portman would shave
her head and save us.
i wish pit’s sister would shave her head
——
Pit:
slurp you house burns down again for not granting my wish.
i wish for a PB&J sandwich TBH.
——
Slurp:
sorry dude. my bad…….
your wish is granted Pit. the genie’s younger sister, barefoot and
pregnant, wearing nothing but an old t-shirt, goes to your pantry and opens
a brand new jar of peanut butter. she proceeds to your fridge and removes
from it what appears to be your favorite brand of jelly. you’re as excited
as a young school boy in the women’s dressing room at limited. ;-p with a
butter knife forged by Hephaistos from the same material as the royal
sceptre of the house of Pelops the genie’s sister dips into the peanut
butter jar and spreads a perfectly even layer of peanut butter across a
slice of bread. an impossible feat for mere mortals. you’re so amazed that
for a second you think about framing the peanut butter and jelly sandwich
rather than eating it. again with flawless precision an equal layer or
jelly is put to rest on a second slice of bread. the two slices of bread
come together in mid air as they gracefully float to you. no sooner than
you hands wrap around the sandwich does the nation defence commission storm
into your house. saving you from what was about to be a very “unhealthy”
afternoon snack. turns out, right wing extremists have outlawed peanut
butter and jelly along with millions of other “unhealthy” foods. sensors
down the street detected the unmistakable sound of a new jar or peanut
butter opening for the first time. you are arrested. if only natalie
portman would shave her head and save you.
watch this very interesting video on how peanut butter proves creationism
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZFG5PKw504
i wish Pit’s sister would shave her head
——
Lee:
Slurp, wish granted, but because you wished it, Pit sells your car to Mars’ brother. The next time you see it, it’s on an episode of Cops in Sandpoint, Idaho being driven by a crackwhore over the edge of a canyon after a highspeed chase which began at the local Planned Parenthood. Your insurance doesn’t cover “destruction by crackwhore.”
I wish for a twelve inch pianist.
——
FIN
