october 10, 2000; tuesday


my mom's making me see a counselor. it sucks. i totally don't want to. i've seen 7 different ones throughout my life and they haven't done jack. ok. so the concept that i'm talking to someone who's being paid $100 an hour just doesn't seem to comfort me. i don't think they're really listening or give a shit. whatever. i'd rather talk to a good friend. bennett gave me better advice than i've ever gotten from any stupid counselor. you know what else are good... huggggiessss!!!! :) that was from jon. tee hee. he hugged me. cute jon. :) (jon blushed. oooo) hee hee. jon just went and hugged carol and then went over to neil's and hugged neil :) silly silly jon. makes me smile.

i was totally tired today. we went and threw today. i made a bowl and a soon to be mongo mug for me. :) good stuff. i keep having these recurring dreams. they suck. i'm at my dad's and then suddenly we get in this humumgous fight and then we're screaming at each other and it comes down to me saying "you never do anything for me! you can't take anything away! you've never DONE anything!" and then i storm out. i ran a lot and screamed a lot in my dream last night. i woke up randomly at 5am and so did neil. he asked "did you hear that?" and i asked what and he said he thought jeremy had screamed. i think i was talking in my sleep again... and then woke up as i stopped screaming at my "dad." i don't like these dreams. i guess i haven't totally forgiven him yet, eh... heh.

my eyes are getting blurry. it's weird how they get less focused with my contacts in. it rained today. i got up and pulled on yesterday's clothes and frolicked in the rain with ca and jon. we were ponies. damn good ones too. couldn't catch up with the poniness of jon tho. he's just the pony king. that's his new name. the pony king. he's the frolick king too. the frolicking frolick king pony king. uh huh. that's jon. my eyes. they're killing me. i feel so girlie ;-) hehehe i have a cold sore. damn herpies a. stupid virus. grr. oh well. i'll just go out and kiss every guy out there and give it to them >:] i'm feeling evil. i took out my eyes and so i can blink again. it's nice. i think everyone should get some soft contacts just to be able to take them out at the end of the day. it's quite refreshing and nice. neil is selfish. he has food and doesn't offer it to me. so i went and took his popcorn. then jon gave it back. i'm eating crispix now. already soggy. they lie. i should sue.

WOW! jon just showed me how to "word warp" and make it so i can see all the words in one screen. neeeeato. ok. for the gap lipshine line? the only one is pink lemonade. all others suck. ok, so orange zest is ok but the rest? no. grossness. it's cold. oh well. i'm a hot person. so it's ok. *tzzzzzz* oh yes. go me. i washed dishes today. i painted too. the rock looks pretty damn cool. from far away. first layer tho. the brown acrylic is hard to work with and so i gotta do three layers before the canvas is totally covered. betty's shoveling crispix into her :D monstrocity of a mouth. aaaaaahhhhhhwwwwmmmp :D mmm. yummy. betty's a little piglet. i'm so tired. did i say that already? i think so.

i'm so annoyed of the stupid counselor thing. i don't want to see one. neil says "take advantage of it. not everyone gets the opportunity to see one" um... no. it's not an "opportunity." it's a pain in the ass and a hole in the pocket book. we're already enuf in debt and have no money. ok. that's enuf for now. we gotta bring jon back home soon :( he hugged me again :) i'm not schizo. what are you talking about? oh. neil's driving him back. jon was gonna go at like 4 or something but... uh... free throwing is at 6pm. so i said "neil'll drive you home!" cuz i got neil on a leash. so then he said "no, it's ok" (jon i mean) but then i asked neil and neil said sure, he'd bring him home so i said "ha" and jon stayed. that's why he's still here now at 10:33pm. so jeremy asks me "so, are you and neil together yet?" and i'm like... uh... no. and he said "what was that look for?!" and smirked. cuz i gave a "uhhhh no" look. neil's my bed buddy. i think i'd go insane if we went out or something. just wouldn't work for me. besides. no boy for betty now. even tho betty enjoys staring at the cute guys in her oral interp. class. k. ballo. ca.


i hate it when i'm walking and then some smoker comes in front of me. all the stupid fumes go in my face and i can't get out of it. then i have to move over to the other side of the sidewalk cuz the stupid smoker is in front of me even tho it's their fault for the damn fumes in the first place. stupid. happy double 10 day.

noah came and visited anyway on sunday at 6ishpm. justin had already left tho so there were no fatalities. noah met neil. wasn't really much. neil didn't seem too interested. didn't really know who noah was either. i think he blocked out most of my bitching and moaning and everything's just a whine now. thas cool. :) noah brought me these blue flowers that were really pretty. i hate flowers but they were nice. we went out and walked and talked a bit. he kept trying to touch me. seemed like it anyway. then he'd back off after looking at me. he has this embedded idea that i hate him. i don't hate him. it's like i said. i'm numb. there's nothing really. no anger or hate... but no liking either. his friend amorette (i think that's her name) is telling me stuff like he wants another chance and he knows he fucked up. well... i can't handle anymore right now. and saying he learned? not really. cuz how'd it start. he was "with" jenny and hitting on me. then broke up with her finally and boom stuff happened. he wants to "get back" with me and have whatever we had before, but he's still "with" kimmy. he doesn't want to be alone, and he wants me... but won't give up kimmy for the security, even tho he hasn't talked to her in ages and ignores her and stuff. i feel bad for kimmy. she's awesome and she's getting the blunt end of all this. i've been talking it over with ams a lot and we want noah to break up with kimmy. it's kinda his duty to cuz of what's going on and all. if noah really wants to learn his lesson of whatever this all has been, he's gotta let go of kimmy and realize that yeah, he doesn't really have a hold on either of us now and he doesn't have one of us to back him up. he's still got his friends, but... yeah. that's actually the lesson i think.

i made it to math yesterday with only 10 minutes left. english i didn't do my paper. she hates me. i missed ceramics again. jon's here today. i bumped in to jason from oral interp today at burger king and he smiled and said hi. i caught him staring at me again today. he's such a cutie. shawn showed up today for class too. i'm excited to do my next piece. monologue. last one was poetry and i got a b+. go me :)

my flo's almost finally over and i'm glad. jie's been feeling depressed again. like me last week. she may be going home. for good. if that happens then nothing'll hold me back from transferring to wherever i want. cuz i'm surely not staying here all four years. or five or six. whatever it takes. i hope jie gets better. we're not raging tonite. i feel sick. still cramping. but it's lessening. shut up guys. i don't care if you don't want to read about it. atleast you don't have to go thru it. you suck. justin's making me copies of all these programs and stuff for my pc. it's exciting. he sent 'm out today too. i discovered i have a burner and i'm gonna play with it when i get some blanks. it's great. :) allright. nature's hollerin' and my answering machine's broken. thas it for now.

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