october 25, 2000; wednesday


11pm

my eyes are getting tired. i'm trying to take half a clonazapine hoping it'll help atleast a little with the anxiety attacks. ca's computer kept freezing on winamp. i was going to go insane. the songs kept going like broken records. every single song. my dad came today. i totally forgot and he had to call my cell. i stayed and threw after art. i made an ugly ass vase i'm gonna kill tomorrow if i wake my ass up in time and another bowl i hope can be my new cereal bowl. i broke my other one. it was perfect too.

went to dinner at tony roma's with dad and ca. i'm stuffed. i felt kind of sick eating the chicken. my dad got me a cute squishy ghost. those one's that are seriously soft from hallmark. i was gonna get one for myself last year... and he got one for me this year :) i have one more collage thing to do for art and i'm done. i think the drawing and collage i did today look nice. the first drawing's a piece of shit but that's ok. i have two good ones... i got another c in english. i just get c's and d's. it sucks my ass. i wonder if my teacher will accept my presentation idea for oral interp. it's a two person acting thing. it's about suicide and a friend who kills herself. i thought of lancy when he said to do a two person speech. i remember lancy's "the mask" and how much it hit and how great it was and i wanted to do something like that. it's nothing like hers, but... yeah. i tried. so i submitted a draft to the teacher to read over on tuesday. i gotta go shower. i think i'll be able to sleep tonite. not sure if it'll be more than three hours... but... we'll see.

12:33pm

i kick ass. the bathroom smelled like shit so i opened the door last nite and today? normal smelling.
kill me. please. now.k, could i feel more like a pile of shit. i don't think so. i didn't get up till 11:22am today. completely missed math. i haven't slept more than three-hour intervals in the past two weeks. i have an appt. with a psychologist next tuesday. i didn't even want to go raging yesterday. i was so shitty feeling. i want to sleep. all day. but i can't. i don't fall asleep. and if i do i just wake up at most a few hours later... neil's been sweet to me... he asks me what's wrong and i tell him nothing but then he says "you always say that... and that you're ok... but you're not..." and he hugs me. i don't know why he's so nice to me. i feel like i'm going to throw up. i want to eat but when i think about food i get queasy. i have no energy. my back is killing me. uncle billy wants me to cat sit buddy for him while he's in arizona the week after next. i want to. buddy's a cutey. bites and scratches he shit out of me but he's adorable nonetheless. i didn't finish my art project. it's due today. i have two collages and a drawing to do and another drawing to finish. basically i'm fucked. uh huh. i don't know what i'm feeling. my mind is just so strained now and i don't want to think. so when i sit and try to realize what the hell is going on... i can't. i just get a headache from the strain. my computer screen is moving. i feel so sick. f'k.

12:39am

honey nut chex are the best.
zach icqed me randomly all last week saying stuff like he missed me and wanted to see me and wanted to know if we would see each other again. then he tells me "OH! nikki (ex girlfriend who caused him rebound... me) called me up out of the blue! we're back together! isn't that great!!!!" and stopped messaging me. noah occationally im's me. i dunno what to say to him tho. cuz... i have nothing to say. i haven't missed him. it's weird. cuz i totally had fallen for him and really liked him... then boom, i went numb.

i've been missing nathan. toda... yesterday he thought the same thing as me and imed me with "happy anniversary... eh... what-would-have-been anyway, you know..." 10/24 is just a date imprinted in my mind. it looks different from other dates. yeah, i know. it is. but i mean... it looks special. can't explain it.

when i'm with neil he randomly laughs and smiles, and says "nothing" when i ask him "what?" and today he said "there really isn't a reason. i laugh because i'm happy." i managed to get him to like me... even though i don't think he really likes me. i'm good at that.

rich's brother imed me today asking why rich and i are fighting. i said "rich thinks he's better than me" cuz i think that sums it up. then tom (the brother) goes "well i'll settle it for both of you. i'm better than you both. so stop fighting." funny guy. agh. i feel sick now. i keep having to have to pee. more cranberry juice for betty. i better not have another bladder infection :\
it was SO nasty today. someone threw curdled milk chunks in the bathroom and it seriously reeked like mad. i was so sick going in there. so i got annoyed and just picked it out of the sink with a towel and threw them out. damn it was gross.

12:26am

i'm so nautious. i feel like i'm gonna puke. bleeeeeeeah. anyway. i'm seroiusly hungry. i dunno why. so i'm eating cereal. i didn't go raging. neil didn't really wanna go (didn't tell me tho) so i just said ok, we won't go. i'm gonna go get my wash now and stick it in the dryer. oh! i washed my husband. he's all clean now :)

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