october 3, 2000; tuesday


rant: jon and eric are here again. jessica was here yesterday. it was odd... since she and jeremy broke up. she wasn't getting attention and she was sad. looked like she was crying or going to... drama. dun like it. so i stay out of it. jon seemed like he mite flake on saturday :( so we all watched holy grail last... um... early today. ended at 4am. ha. don't worry, justin, we're watching it again for full comprehension on sat :) can't wait. clonazapene isn't working for me. i'm still not sleeping. i'm only taking one upper a day too. it's pissing me off.

going to the rage again tonite. i'm excited. it's a 7 year anniversity and so there's gonna be these dj's from all over. pray that betty doesn't get attacked by a troll :p jeremy mite come and ca's coming. susan's bringing and jie's catching up after work. neil doesn't dance. so... didn't even bother trying.

missed ceramics today (seriously. 9am is way too early.) and so i was planning on throwing after oral interp but it says you can't throw till after all classes which is 6pm but then i think that it mite have been closed and it'd suck to go all the way down to kadema and then find it closed. jon and ca were gonna come too. even tho they aren't enrolled... shh. :) next time i'll sneak 'm in and we'll have a pot party... *ahem*. i mean bowls. uh... yeah. i think i just need a plate and another bowl and then teapot and i can make amity her goblet.

you know what i miss? jello pudding pops. i want one now. i want my step-dad to die. he's the only person in this world that i hate. his mere existence angers me. i hate being in the same presence as him. in the same house i just feel this anger festering in me and it boils. i hate him so much. but stupid fortune tellers have all said he's gonna live till 80. twenty years. maybe i can speed it up. stupid fucker i want him dead.

hi, noah. read your page. stop being so jealous. that's all i can say. i'm sorry. but i can't do this. my heart can only take so much. i can't open it again so soon. i was reluctant to for anyone and then i did to you and it was pounded to a pulp. i get vulnerable and need someone to hold, or someone to hold me. and i found that with neil, who's my friend from across the hall. he didn't kick me out or kill me or anything so i figured i'd take advantage of it and get over you. i wasn't going to just sit here and sulk over you for all of my college career while you went around with other chicks. no, sorry, betty isn't like that. i'm feeling a bit more light spirited now. i've helped make justin's life a bit more cheery and so in turn i'm happy. he's my good bud. up there with bao bao. hmm... gotta call her up sometime... yeah. anyway. yeah.

it's your fault and i know you can't change the past. but hey, you know... i've told you everything. i have to say. i honestly don't know what i feel towards you anymore. it's like i'm numb. i don't have anger or hate but there also isn't a longing in there. i was telling this to justin and we were relating and i was just gonna let things go. however they do. but... i dunno. you seem to not understand that this really did take a huge ass toll on me and burdened the shit out of me. two heart breaks in a year just isn't good for a person who's never opened up before. so give me time. i don't know what that means really. i know you don't either. and don't EVEN be pissed cuz i wasn't talking to you last nite. i had three people over and we were watching a movie. you knew they were over too. i heard jon was talking to you. so you know. when you had people over, hell, people weren't even over, you were just wandering the halls you barely listened to me. i was watching a damn movie. so chill. my world doesn't revolve around you.

i gave my poetry selection speech today in oral interp. sucked my ass. it was horrible. i couldn't concentrate. and i hate poetry. so i had no feeling. we're out of milk so i couldn't eat my cereal with milk. but i had burger king. cheese sticks. mmmmm. pie. mmmmmmmmm. i changed my hair style kinda. there's like a split part. i like it. looks like i'm a retard and can't part my hair, but i know that i did it on purpose and that's aaaaall that matters. cuz i'm speshul.

justin paged me today. happy stuff. DUDE! ok, aim people. i leave my computer on. it's college. i have ethernet. it doesn't mean i'm always here. don't go spastic if i don't respond! shit. i'm prolly doing stuff. if i didn't wanna talk to you i'd tell you. don't freak out. buffy's in half an hour. then angel. i don't care for angel. i don't want to watch it. then the rage at 10. i'm still tired. woke at 1pm. heh. oh well. my ankle's killing me again. damn it. ca has a toothpaste stain on her shirt. that sucks. i have a gross taste in my mouth. i think i'll go shower and dress up now. welp. half an hour!


that was the most random buffy. so i had too much time and over did the make up a bit. just a tad.
too much make up :p ha. eating pumpkin pie now. piiiie. justin's eating cookies. coooookieeeees. oo. better... reapply the lipstick! ha! ok. anyway. i shall go to the rage now. ha... that'd suck if it was sold out and full... oh! ca and neil're coming too. tee hee. neil. dancing. flaily. haa ha haaaa *ahem* ok that was mean. oh well. haaaa ha haaaa!!!!! whoo. ok. that's it.

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