october 5, 2000; thursday


2:55pm

i'm pmsing. it sucks my ass. all these things suddenly hit me from all directions. i didn't know what to do. so i did what people do when they don't know what to do... cry. i think i weirded out neil and ca. they got quiet when i came back from the bathroom. i sat in the corner and wrote in my thoughts journal. neil went to sleep and then ca fell asleep too. am called and then i went to answer it, trying not to wake up neil or ca and i ever so swiftly hit the cow magnet from noah and it mooed and they both woke up. oops. tee hee :p

i discovered that if i turn up my stereo to 20 and face a speaker out and have my mp3 player up all the way you can hear my music in the bathroom. so i was peeing to jim brickman's "angel eyes." it was nice. i love that song. is it a song? it's music. great music.

missed ceramics again. got up at 5am from another not wanted dream. went back to bed. snoozed too many times and my alarm just didn't work anymore. woke at 9:30am. class was at 9am. ends at 11:40am but i had no motivation. tried throwing yesterday and it didn't even do anything for me. i hate being depressed. stupid ups and downs. damn i hate being a girl sometimes. guys, shut up. don't even TRY to patronize. you have NO idea.

everyone in the halls must listen to my music now. muwahhahaaa. i have to put up with their shitty ass rap crap so now they listen to MIIINE! the cure. ha. take that! good music! ha! ha ha ha! i just saw the kitties of the hall director guy. jon? i think that's his name. he's got some awesome abode. he gets to light candles. the place is covered in 'm. he totally takes advantage of his powers :) has kitties too. they're sisters. so cute. brightened my day a bit. it also brightened my day when i caught jason staring at me, twice, in oral interp. just now. i'm so quiet now. all mellow. it's weird.

12:18am

rant: there's 5 people out in the hall on the phone. it's hilarious. neil's outside yammering. has been for the past half hour. maybe a mix of his phone talkativeness and also being sexiled by jeremy and jessica. yup... things were mended between 'm i guess. jon's a funny guy. i like him. he makes me laff. i look seriously adorable right now. if i were someone else i'd want to grab me and hug the cuteness. wow. look at me!
look at me! looook aaaaat meeee!!!!!!!!!!!!
uh huh. i love ca's camera. it's awesome. i have fun putting pictures on here. uh huh. i had so much to say. i don't remember tho. now everyone's banging doors. i took a mongo nap yesterday. 7-9pm. then i took some clonazapine. i think i could sleep if i wanted to. pretty awake tho. gee. wonder why. :p my computer's so gonna freeze soon. i've been online on aim for so damn long. since 10/2;10:57pm. so that's... uh... two days, one hour, twenty minutes. woooow. good mac. it's been workin' for me. i think it was scared i'd really get rid of it with the whole pc craze i went thru. i guess this'll do me fine. i've been such a bitch to my mom. i feel bad. i just can't help it. i think about my stepdad and it's essentially her fault for bringing him and my misery in to my life. i can't help but be pissed. and when she calls and my dad calls all the time it drives me mad. my dad called today and i was sleeping. totally fell asleep with him there. ha. anyway. i don't think he noticed.

my mom called the other day and i was so bitchy. i feel bad... i really do... i just... i dunno. i wanna say sorry. i'll call her up today i think and say sorry. it's just such a pain in the ass having one weekend to do chores and shit and events to go to and visit buds AND both families. it's difficult. especially when i only have the car 1/2 the time. what, am i supposed to fly? and fucking step dad won't let me touch the fucking truck (oh no, pc's too expensive. so is a printer. i don't need to buy one. but a truck?! oh, that's right in our budget. fucking ass sucker) or even attempt to drive it so it sits there and i can't get anything done and everything's delayed and then i get yelled at. ok so i wake up late. i'm sorry but it's my fucking weekend. and it's my weekend at "home." ok i can't call it home anymore. i realize that now. it's not home at all. my stuff's basically gone, and it's no longer personalized to me. i can't keep things the way i want cuz then it's "cluttered" and every day people come to look at the house. no one's made an offer in 4 months, but hey. still. i swear. it's not meant to be sold. why can't they fucking listen to me. they just keep lowering the price of the damn house. i'm so sick of it. i don't want to go "home" anymore. i miss my brothers tho. they keep growing. i hate being distant from them. i want to be close to them and be able to talk to them. it was at jeffrey's age when i got fucked up. (no, not literally.) all the feelings just came and i couldn't do anything about it. i want to sit and talk to him. but i don't know how. i'm never there. and i feel horrible. jie and i are basically their release from the house and we're never there. i gotta go back more... to the place that i'm welcomed.

i'm glad daddy changed after my moment. he's so much better now. and he shows he cares. i sometimes want to cry when i realize how much things have changed and how much better everything is. i'm glad. he's still the same for jeffrey and jonathan tho... and that worries me. for them. i don't want them to go thru the things jie and i did. oo! 12:34am. anyway... i'll see. decide whether or not i... no, i have to go home. home. not the place where i can't be myself. i mean home. with my dad and brothers and step-mom who cares about me. i love my mom but i can't put up with uncle phil's shit anymore. it's just... too much. i don't know. i don't think i want a relationship right now. no... i know i don't. this whole noah business helped me realize that again. i didn't want one before and i don't now. i can't deal with commitment. it's too much for me to handle. i'm too weak for it. and my heart's taken such a toll in this past year that it's just not ready to be brought out in to this hard world again. not now. not so soon. i was talking to justin a week ago or so... and realized how much stuff's happened this past year. 2000 brought so many new things...


just all this stuff in one year. it's kinda amazing how basically everything in life has gone by in one year. it's overwhelming, depressing, yet... not... all at the same time. neil just came in. finally got off the phone. he's got some close friends he doesn't want to lose. i never really felt that before. after 4th grade and losing contact with my first and only best friend i vowed never to let myself have another. and i didn't. bennett was my closest to a best friend... but... i fucked that over. many times. amity's pretty damn close to that cuz we're so... us. but i don't want to label her. i guess i just fear losing people. it's happened too much to me to want to let it happen again. but i think that's a normal thing... but... maybe i'm just over paranoid of it. i dunno. i'm tired tho. tired of breaking my heart. and knowing it's going to happen and i let it go anyway. so i'm trying to prevent it. wow. i just keep going. ok. it's 12:49am. i think i'll go now. i got ceramics tomorrow at 9am. neil's wishing pregnancy on one of the girls that jeremy fucks. that's so wrong. he has no idea. he says "jeremy deserves it." but... no. the girls deal with the shit. like the guy has the maturity to deal with anything... shit they have the maturity of a fucking amoeba. neil's immaturity's starting to get to me. and he judges way too much. it bothers me. he goes off about jessica being rascist and shit and then he goes off calling people... words i don't like... and other shit. it's angering. fuckin' a. i gotta meet new people. i'm pathetic here not meeting anyone. shit.

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