october 5, 2001; friday

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jon's on my bed sleeping right now. kristine's trying to sleep too. i just turned down my screen a lot to make it dimmer and i'm trying not to type to loud. my eyes are kinda hurting but i really don't feel like sleeping. i layed there next to jon and watched him sleep for a while. he was so peaceful. seeing him and being so close for so long in silence... i realized that, in my mind atleast, he's so perfect. i was able to close my eyes and touch him softly and feel his features (facial you sickos). i want to learn him. he talked today about his past again. i love learning about him. painful as it may be, i love to hear about his past. how he's become the person he is.

*big transition*

jason randomly bit me today. he was hugging be goodbye after talking for a bit and he got near my neck... and bit me. freak?!!?!? then later he hugged me again cuz i said it hurt (dude, ca said there were BITE marks. grrrr...) and kissed my head. um.... riiiight. a bit crossed over that "bubble" there buddy boy. oh well. it was all in good fun. course then there's jon who's out to "kill this jason person"... but yes. it's ok. i think.

ramble time.
so neil's been getting in to that hotornot thing again and he shows me these people who are fat or aren't exactly beautiful. but hey, they could have potential. but yeah. they put themselves out there to be rated. well. there's this totally pretty girl and she's round in the face. and boobs. and body. but yeah. she has a pretty face. neil looks at me silently, gives this "ok ew" look and looks at the screen. ok, not EVERYONE is a betty stick. some people fill out. and they're that way for a reason. it so pisses me off how we try so hard, and if we can't achieve the "look" we want others try and say "it's ok. you're who you are..." and yadda. but then there's guys like neil who judge. and even if you're gorgeous, or the most amiable person out there... doesn't matter. you're filled out. not the width of a chopstick. you're ugly and not worth the time. wtf. so i guess that's why i'm back in my "hmm... gotta start losing again..." phase. i've gone to 103-105... haven't weighed myself lately. my tummy's gettin' some pudge and i'm freaking thing i'm a total chunk, just cuz i'm not the serious twig anymore in that mirror, and it isn't totally flat when i look down. i think i've gained too much. i'm eating too much, and it's showing. so i think... don't eat. even tho i've learned before that that makes me gain, and my tummy gets bigger. so i think that's why it's getting bigger... i'm not eating enuf. yet still. i want to be thinner. and i want to so badly that my body is no longer hungry. it doesn't crave the food that i need to eat. and it's making me sick. i've been ill lately. my mindset is off and i've had moodswings and breakdowns. i'm weak all the time. my back is bothering me more than ever before. my head gets whacked out and i get dizzy and my vision is blurred. i can't handle a whole day without needing a rest of some sort. i'm always tired. and now my shoulders are feeling like there's a huge weight on them. as if there's an anvil on each shoulder, weighing me down every second of the day. and i still can't will myself to eat and be hungry. food just... doesn't appeal to me anymore. i think of pasta and i think of all that butter and the thickness of the sauces and i feel sick. i ate burger king today cuz i craved a cheeseburger. i wasn't hungry but jon insisted i eat. so i did. now? i'm feeling insanely nautious. how could i eat that. it's so... greasy. and now... why... why am i thinking this. i love food. i'm the little person who eats more than her body weight and still stays small. and now... i'm afraid to eat.

i sometimes... often... wish i was (am) caucasian. i see the gorgeous blondes out there and how all the guys flock to them and want to be around them. i have jon and i'm loving him but... other company would be nice. and it's already that way. people like me for my looks. i sometimes wonder... if i wasn't cute... would the guys i've been with ever have been interested at all? and once again this comes to the stereotype of it all... but i've fallen in to it and i can't seem to come out. common sense tells me that i'm fine the way i am. people wish they looked like me. some people wish they had my attitude, but then i'm still here. wishing i was someone else. i can't just... accept who i am. i mean... i tell people all the time. they're their size for a reason. i'm little... cuz my parents were little. i'm skinny cuz my fast metabolizm and energy... altho i'm fucking it up with my not eatingness of it all. i'm chinese, and i can't change that. i've been blessed with a good set of genes and i'm attractive... but i still feel like i stick out. i'm a minority in my mind and i wish i wasn't. i wish i was like "all the others" in this world of white people. i wish i could go to the east coast and other states like... idaho... ok, i don't wish i was there. but... you know. maybe. ok. going on. i wish i could go there and not be looked at. "woah... she has black hair... little eyes... she's tiny!" i wish i could just... blend in. go somewhere and not be looked down upon and passed over.

i'm in so much pain right now. my chest hurts. my stomach hurts. my shoulders are throbbing. my neck can barely support my head right now. my legs are getting sore from the pressure from my back while i sit. my head is killing me. my eyes burn everytime i close them. and my mind. i can't recognize myself anymore. i can't tell someone who i am. what i'm like. what i'm about. cuz it's all different. everything just changes in me without my permission. it's racing with all these thoughts and impulses that i can't follow and i'm just in this huge mess of jumbled thoughts. i'm confused and flustered and it's all just coming at me and i have the constant feeling of pressure at my temples and between my eyes, like something's trying to pull out my skull from the space between my eyes at the top of my nose. i feel i'm losing it. i'm going insane. altho i also feel i have been all along. who really has it all together. i try to. i appear to. but in reality... i'm really where i am now. a state of confusion and denial and frustration and pain. and i'm wondering if others are like that too. and i'm sure they are. it's just... i'm the one that i deal with. every second of every day. and i can't get rid of me. and i feel the pain i have. and... it's just gonna go around in a circle.

i'm gonna go to bed now. remember. there's no email button on this part of my page cuz... I DON'T WANT RESPONSES FROM THIS. i express how i feel and you decide to read it. i don't ask you to, i don't want you to, i don't need you to, i don't want a response, and i don't need pity. so please. don't respond to me on what you're reading. i already (most likely) know.

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