november 18, 2000; saturday


everything's pissing the fucking shit out of me. so stop bugging me everyone or i'll have to kill you. yesterday carol "planned" out going to davis for a movie. yeah. all the way to fucking davis for a fucking movie. well. her plan was to come back by train at 11:30pm, since the movie ended at 9:30pm, and then walking the fuck back from the station on 5th street (we're on 65th) at 12am. brilliant. well she didn't bring jim's phone number or anything and he wasn't at the damned station where he was supposed to meet us. we waited a fucking out in the freezing outside and jim finally showed up at 7:10pm after we walked back and forth a million times. fuck. then we watched "charlie's angels" which was a good movie but then we had to walk back to jim's dorm which was a million miles away.

my sister whined and said she wouldn't bring me home. my mom called. we have an offer on the house. i have to go home now and decide what to throw away cuz i have to get rid of all my shit so we can move. to where? oh. well uncle phil us up in sacramento all fucking week to find a house in fucking sacramento. greeeeat. we go back to jim's fucking dorm and they watch southpark. carol's all asking if we can just stay there. oh, no. don't worry. i didn't want to come back or anything. i'd like to stay in the dorm that reeks like cow shit. thanks. my sister called back and decided it wasn't my fault that we got stuck in fucking davis at midnight and so she picked us up. carol didn't say anything. i guess she assumed that my sister would bring us back... right.

i was supposed to go to tahoe today or something. nathan was going to come up. i don't know where he is tho. i got back so fucking late yesterday that i didn't sleep till like 3am and so i woke up at 1pm. sleep schedule is still fucked. so i emailed nathan and he never responded so i don't know what's going on. i'm supposed to go home sunday too if nathan comes. he said he'll give me a ride. good. now i can talk to my dad about me withdrawing and asking for the car for the week. joy. lucky me. i bet you all wish you were me now.

neil messaged me yesterday. he left me this sappyass message on my wall (that i almost never look at... ca saw it and told me about it) that said he'd miss me and he missed me already... even tho i was RIGHT there as he was writing the note but i was "asleep." right. so then i come back from fucking davis (shut up) and then he says he misses me and has missed me this past week. he's sorry that hugs aren't the same when you're sick. you meaning him. he was sick. yeah. uh... whatever the hell that meant. he told me it was ok if i didn't understand what he meant and i said i didn't and he made a sad face and didn't say anything else. uh huh. sure. how the hell do you miss someone if they're there the whole time. sorry but i tried hugging him or cuddling and everytime i did he'd shrug me off and then leave the room. ok. yeah. miss me? i guess it's my problem? i wonder why i don't get it. i'm sick now.

noah's been trying to im me. trying cuz i don't talk back. doesn't seem to take a hint. well here noah, i don't want to talk to you. he asked me yesterday if i wanted him to come over... what the fuck? why the fuck would i want him to come over. i don't want to talk to him so why the fuck would i want to see him. it's not like i'd feel all better and the sun would come shining thru just being in his presence and i'd realize "ooo. i should go study. my life is wonderful. everything's great."

neil kept asking if it was him that was making me all pissy and fucking annoyed from every fucking thing in the world. i said no. and he asked again. "are you sure?" how much clearer can i make it that it isn't him that's making me like this. i just am. and i'm pissed at the world. everything in my life. and i told him it's like from "empire records" even tho he hates the movie. it's like when deb. tells that guy "NO, it's NOT you" for the millionth time and he asks what it is then even tho she DOESN'T want to talk about it cuz talking about it does NOTHING. she said she's tired of stuff and wasn't happy with where her life was or how the day went, or the day before, or the day before that for that matter and... that's it. it's my life i'm sick of. not just particular people. and i went out yesterday so i wouldn't be sitting her by myself in this wonderful room by myself sulking and thinking of slitting my wrists or something. i ended up just spreading my fucking attitude arround. and now i'm just more fucking pissed and upset at the world than i was before.

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