november 5, 2000; sunday


why the hell am i up at this hour. oh.. oh... it's coming to me... oh that's right! because i DIDN'T SLEEP!!!! i sense another very angry day for betty.
p.s. yup. still eating. now it's pound cake.


i'm glad that i just keep eating and eating. anyway. so i forgot to say that my dad asked what kind of car i want. yeah. so i think he MITE be getting me a car. funny how suddenly both of the 'rents care about betty once nancy isn't all that she was perked up to be back in her "perfect" days. i spent $155 at delia* last nite. got a printer cartridge too. i'm going insane with my credit card. i've passed the whole debit card. i'm on to real credit. this stuff tastes gross. watch me get food poisoning again. i'm going to uncle billy's tonite. i think it'll be good for me to get out of the dorms and learn the bus scheds some more.

i never found my right contact or what happened to it. i've been getting a lot of "i feel bad" or "sorry for you" messages lately. don't. don't worry about me. i'm fine. down and bitchy but i'm fine. and i won't hurt myself. damn it why do i keep eating. noah randomly imed me. so he still reads my journal. so he's reading this now. hi noah. i'm bitter. oh well. MY rant area, MY bitch time so you can read what i bitch about and now it's you since you're the topic. what bothers me is how all his entries in his journal are about new girls and he never talks more about one it's just "oh, met a new girl" and something superficial about them. i got nick p. to start a journal too. so i've gotten three people to i think. anyway. so yeah. only person he talks about is amorette. and i totally don't get why they don't just chat it up on the phone. she write him novels in his guestbook. dude. TALK to each other. i thought i had it bad with the whole im thing. i'm so fucking annoyed right now. with the world. i hate this. i can't make it go away either.

i want to get totally fucked up. so messed that i don't even remember what i did. i'm on nothing now and my system should be clean from all this shitting and eating and drinking (water. i don't have anymore yoo hoo and i don't have or drink alcohol) and peeing so whatever i do shouldn't have effects with my meds cuz... nope, not on any now.

i'm so tired. of everything. my family, friends, "friends," acquaintances, people i haven't met cuz for some reason i'm just seriously lame and haven't met anyone new, school, home, "home," drama, work, being sick, blurry vision, headaches, back aches, flab i'm too lazy to get rid of, clothes, being cold, chills, loneliness, acting fake, people i can't be around, pity, constant hunger, need, money... shit i HATE money..., boredom, anger, relationships, everything in my fucked up world. it's funny. they say it's a chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me down. so they pump me with meds. the meds backfire and do the opposite. so then another med is added to make it "better." i just keep getting pumped and pumped... then when i have to much? it's pumped out. meanwhile all this is fucking me up more and in the end i'm more fucked than i ever was and all that this has done is sidetracked me from the reality of what's in my head. and the reality is that i'm fucked over, fucked up, and fucking pissed off at everything in my fucking fucked life. the only thing that IS constant is that these thoughts are always here. so what is it "supposed" to be? i'm "supposed" to be sidetracked? to make it so i'm not so tired from everything? that instead i feel sick and dizzy and shaky and spastic as long as i don't feel what's really in my head? what the fuck is that?

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID SHITS WHO TAKE OFF THE FUCKING SIGNS?!?!?!! ok. so we have a FUCKING name tag on the FUCKING wall. the ONLY fucking thing we can have to decorate this fucking dorm. and stupid FUCKS go down and rip the fucking things off. FUCK. if i EVER see the fucker who does this i'm going to fucking kill him. seriously. it's fucking retarded. what the fuck is the point.

yeah. what is the fucking point.

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