february 6, 2001; tuesday


me on a shit day today's a shit day. when i feel like shit i dress up and make myself look atleast a little better than i feel. neil's tired of me. i have this feeling that he's "moving on" and pulling a noah. this is was what i wrote about in the entry of the december 27th. i guess i'm just paranoid but the more i think about it the more it seems like neil's doing something with some other chick. he hasn't given me the light of day for three days now. friday he was driving me and ca home and he was iffy too. didn't even look at me. i tried to hold his hand while he was driving and he pulled it away; and thursday he was really sweet and cuddly. yesterday he didn't say hi when he passed me in the hall or even say goodnight and then today didn't say hi when i passed him coming back to the dorms. i don't know what i did...

i've been talking to a guy named jeremy on aim for a month or so. met him on the spark. he's really sweet to me. he lives in iowa. i told him i felt like shit and then went to take a shower and didn't really come back to the computer cuz i don't really like it that much. it makes me feel kinda woozy from the light and radiation and everything. anyway, i come back and check my email cuz he'd gone to sleep and he had left me an 800 number and stuff to call if i wanted to talk. i don't know him well enuf but that's still really nice of him.

nathan's friend, jew jew bean, and tom've been cheering me up kinda. i've been in a shit hole tho since yesterday (went running again... that's how shitty i was feeling) and so nothing's helped. i even had a dream about it all. that totally didn't help. but yeah. jew jew bean's funny in a sick way but that's ok. tom's just hilarious. random blabs then leaves. kinda like nick. i miss nathan.

i need to get out more. i'm getting shitty fuck drama again. i hate it. stupid brain. i wish i didn't think so fucking much about stupid shit that shouldn't matter at all. but no, i have to analyze everything untill i'm ready to explode and run out in the middle of an intersection and get smashed and pounded to darkness where nothing is left but the pain and anger that i have. fuck i hate where i am.

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