march 21, 2001; wednesday


8:08 pm

me i decided to wear a dress today. why? cuz it was 5 million degrees. ok, so it was way worse tuesday. but anyway. i only have one pair or shorts and i didn't wanna wear jeans (shorts are dirty) so... skanky ho dress today. yup.

been emailing a photographer lately who wants to take pictures for me for a portfolio. i put my picture up at this site. a couple of other people sent me messages too but they're too far. this guy's in the bay area. so in the summer i'm shooting and starting up :) yeah. oh. haa haa... i'm on "model or not"... 3.6. ouch. heh. oh well. anyway... yeah.

ok. neil. so i came back on sunday and he and ca had gone to albertson's and they came back all jolly like but i was quiet. oh. weekend. i went home and went with am to touch up her tatt on her foot and then went to hobbee's with ma, ups, and jie and... yeah. sunday. nick from mama mia's a million years ago (i left my number on this dollar as a tip for the hell of it cuz i thought he was cute and then he called me but then i called back and then we didn't talk again. this was in november.)... he called me on the train back on friday. but yeah. we hung out on sunday with his doggie dakota. he's a cutey (dakota. not nick. ;)). jie went insane playing with the dog. didn't really see what nick looked like cuz he was hung over and had sunglasses on and i forget what he looks like but... yah. we've been talking a lot... like... an hour a day. it's pretty neat. someone who likes me. and isn't annoyed yet of just me on the phone flappin' my lip. anyway.

so ca and neil come back and neil's all "you're quiet" cuz i wasn't talking. didn't feel like it. well he got assy towards me and then later i went in his room and asked if something was wrong. "no" something bothering? "eh... kinda..." and he did the "so-so" hand shake thing. i asked him what and he said he'd tell me "later". well i gave him a massage and left. monday he came in in the morning and then was all awkward and i was thinking he'd say something but didn't and he left. that night i went in and sat on his bed at his feet. his feet touched mine once and he totally flinched and moved it back. ok, something wrong. so i just kinda sat/layed there for a while. he was playing with this online phone dealie and had headphones on and was staring at the screen of his computer. so then he tried a call, didn't work. "is it the same thing as last time?" i asked... "no, actually," still looking at the screen and headphones on, "it's another person." "another person?" "it's another girl."

hunh.

"so... that's it?" he doesn't look up and goes "yeah." heh. nice way of telling me. just... KINDA bothering eh? riiiight. so i ask him... "why didn't you want to tell me before?" "i didn't want to say it when carol or jeremy were here, and that's kind of hard to come about." yeah. cuz you know, he was there with just me in the room that morning and it's not all that hard to just... go in the hall. "why didn't you want carol to know?... does she know?" and he kinda smirks at the screen "maaaybe...? it's all i talked about when i came back..."

heh.

well i ask him details and stuff cuz i was all excited and stuff cuz... neil got a girlfriend. i was happy and stuff. i wanted him to get one cuz... i don't count. so she's a chick he met at his san fran trip this weekend who lives in sutter hall; one of the other dorms. well i'm all excited that he's got a girl he likes now so i wanna hug him cuz that's how i am. "can i hug you?" "uhhh... i don't think that's a good idea." "yeah, well i was going to anyway but then i thought it'd be bad if you just pushed me off and broke something" cuz his laptop was there on the bed and yeah, he was still staring at it with his headphones. "um... yeah... i think i'd actually break this laptop, AND the monitor [by the door] with the force of my push." um... ouch? "ouch." "well i really like this girl." shit. that hurt. so i left.

i thought about it and was proud of ca not telling me about this. so i gave her a hug. then i got my phone to call am/jie about this to update on my girly "dramatized" life. well am was at this place and i didn't get to her. jie was a bitch answering the phone but then i found out later that it was cuz she couldn't hear me and was trying to talk over mommy's loudness. well i called up nick and talked to him. we talked for an hour and i was out by the stop light for that long cuz there was no reception any closer to the dorms. jie called back and i told her. she didn't care. am called back when i was back in the room. i didn't want to talk to her then. ca was in the room. well, first am thought that i was talking about nathan having a girlfriend. then i was like "nooo! neil!"... "oh. OOOOOH. oh god, this is worse than i thought! what the fuck?!" heh. gotta love am. but anyway. i told her the story and we both realized... why the fuck didn't ca tell me? of all the things NOT to tell. she goes ahead and tells and says all this other shit that's WAY more personal than that... and she couldn't tell me this?! that's pretty fucked. and am says "dude, i told you right after i found out something like that (noah) even tho it was 4am!" so i thought it out... yeah... i guess that's what differenciates the fact that she's a more reliable "friend." anyway.

so the girl's name is elizabeth. she's caucasian. that's all i know. neil went to hang out with her yesterday and didn't come back till 2am. i'm getting totally annoyed/angry/jealous over this hole ball of shit. i don't know why. i don't know why i liked neil in the first place. it's not like he was super nice to me... he treated me way different than everyone else, never talked to me, and only touched me or whatever if he was horny or wanted something (usually just... wanted some.) but i still went on ahead doing stuff with him and hanging around cuz i was (am) a lame vulnerable thing who needed a cuddle buddy so... i put up with it. but then i got an attachment. here i am. attached. why? i don't know. but i'm still jealous.

i was scheduled for a star watch last month on the 23rd but then neil and i went thru that thing and then he didn't bring me. also, it was cloudy. so this time i asked him on sunday if he would go. "i'm busy this weekend..." which i later found out he's going to san francisco with elizabeth. ok. so then jie jokingly goes "ask nick." so for the hell of it i call him up. and he called me back. and agreed. ee! he even promised later on. too bad i'm still hung up on neil cuz i'm a dumb and lame ass. it's weird how something that's usually smart and witty can get so dumb so quickly. well. i talked to nick for an hour again last night. he's fun to talk to. oh yeah... he's really old. reeeeeaaaally old. well, older than me. but it's not as bad as mommy and ups. but... yeah. i think it's ok tho. i want someone more mature. i'm just hoping he is. i'll see.

i told nick yesterday that it might be cloudy on friday (noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!) but then he said "well, i'll come up anyway. we'll hang out whether or not we go star watching." tee hee.

i've been talking to esther more lately. i like her. she's like a bao bao. i miss bao bao :( but yeah. she's easy to talk to and we can relate and stuff and we're kinda alike. she's fun.

so i'm here now all being angry and shitty while neil's out there having fun and happy about getting rid of me. greeeeat. i hate being a girl.


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