March 30, 2004

wednesday

10:52 PM


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fucking pissed. so my mom heard from a collegue, pam, that she and her partner each lost 13 pounds from a diet called the southbeach in the first two weeks. my mom got all excited and got 10 people from the office to do it, uncle phil, and she told me and i agreed to do it. oh wait. already said that last time. anyway. i'm sick and tired of my fucking fat and i want it to go away. jon keeps telling me "well you have to DO something about it. you need to exercise and eat right." no shit. so i've been exercising. pushing myself to do atleast 20 minutes on the elliptical at the gym. my goal is to do three miles in the 20-25 minutes. it took me 28 minutes and i was sprinting at the end. i need to get in shape. i hate my body. so i'm working hard to keep on this fucking diet that i can't do because i have no fucking discipline and all jon can do is fucking bitch about how stupid he thinks the diet is. from four days ago and before the diet until now, nearly ever word that comes out of his fucking mouth is something about how the diet "doesn't make sense" or "it's stupid" or "have you looked into this?" or "i think someone just made it up and felt like writing a book about it" and other shit like that. well fuck, i'm trying to do something for once about my fat and now he goes off about how stupid it is? ok, i'm eating atleast. i guess i should just go back to silently hating myself and not saying anything and starving myself until my weight goes down again. i guess that will make the fucker happy. i'm so sick of hearing his fucking voice right now because all he's done is bitch and moan about MY diet. i asked if he would do it and he didn't want to. now, mind you, he's bitching about HIS fat too. he's gained twenty pounds recently. his stomach is round, back and sides have handles and his face has rounded out. "no, it's stupid." ok, fine. when we go to the gym instead of doing the insisted cardio ("cardio is the only thing that will get rid of fat" he says) he does 5 minutes on the bike then does rock climbing, something that will SO NOT lose weight. it'll do stuff to the arms, that's about it. but no, he insists on doing what he wants. whatever. so i let him be and power on the elliptical. i'd like to do it for an hour or so but i also like to climb although i suck at it cuz i'm so fucking fat and can't hold my own weight. i have no support here to lose weight though except from my mom. my sister does the same thing, bitches and then eats a shitload and then sits on her ass and whines about it some more and bashes the diet as if it's the dumbest thing in the world. hello, people are losing weight and doctors recommend it. fucktards. my mom knows that at my age and my size i should not have a fat stomach popping out and she supports me in trying to get rid of the ugliness. my boyfriend and sister understand the dislike but apparently they don't give a shit or believe in support because all they can do is bash me and tell me how stupid i am.

my dad talked to my sister and apparently is upset i don't call. i'm fucking busy. i have school and when i'm not at school i'm working and if i'm not working i'm trying to study or else doing SOME sort of recreation (rock climbing. yeah. that's about all there is.) or else getting sleep. yeah, i play on the internet a bit but it's not like i have all that much time. getting home at 9pm and needing to sleep by 12-1am doesn't leave much time for anything. but all he can say is "she only calls for money." well i was wondering if he'd even remember the check for this month. if not, well then i'd dig into savings. if he doesn't want to support me then fine. i'll just drop out of school and work. no problem. i've said this before. if he really wants to talk then he should call me. i hate the fucking phone. it doesn't stop ringing when i need to get things done and whenever i call anyone no one answers their fucking line. i should just get rid of it then everyone will get off my fucking back.

i hate where i'm at. my grades are sucking, i can't wake up, i'm fucking lazy, i don't make it to work on time, i work with fake people, my boyfriend is getting on my nerves, my father is reverting to a child, and i'm supposed to be a fucking "adult." i'm sick of this fucking life. right now. just insanely sick of it. ofcourse i'm bleeding and i guess that's fucking with my emotions... but it's not like this is the first time i've realized all this shit. my grades have sucked since i started the first day by not waking up for the fucking class. job i'm getting let go in july due to our wonderful governor's budget cuts. parents... well... yeah. special. boyfriend? you've been hearing problems already. i don't even know if i'll make it to a couples counselor before we end. yeah. we'll probably end. i'm too tired to look for someone and find the time and make sure that both of us can make it. all jon does is complain about how he has no time and can't make time because he has to go to work. well if work is more important than a relationship then fuck him. go to work. leave me alone. i'll just finish what i have to do here and leave. i don't need to be in this fucking shit hole. i'm sick of it. why do i have to find the help and make the time and put all this effort if he won't even take 10 minutes out of the day to do dishes or laundry without me nagging and looking like a bitch. fuck it. if it's over it's over. why bother.

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