April 16, 2004


6:22 PM

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ok. so i got tired of jon's shit about the diet and i ended up stopping it. i didn't lose anything, weight or width. jon ended up trying to support me with it but didn't do a good job. he was pretty negative about it.

i've been reading dr. phil for this relationship help book and have been trying to work things out. still get irritated and stuff but i'm trying to let it go. shit, my right wrist hurts so bad. i put a brace on and it made it worse. oh. the doctor. so i go in for my annual and ask for referrals and stuff. i wanted a referral for an actual dr., a psychiatrist, an optomologist and a couples counselor. stupid bitch didn't do anything. she had this fake smile and was like "sorry, i can't help you. i don't know any of that." great. so if you go to sac state and want referrals? don't go to dr. sipkin. i think her first name's like diane or something. god she was stupid. it was so fucking annoying. i asked about my butt cuz it'd been getting worse... i'd poo more often and it wouldn't be AS big, but it'd still rip and bleed. and the blood was getting worse. "well have you been taking metamucil?" "yeah, did that for a month and a half, did nothing" "well try taking it more. like twice a day." "uh.. ok. well what about the bleeding." "do you put creme on it?" "yeah, every night, but it doesn't matter cuz once i poo then the skin breaks again and kills the healing process" "well, use it twice a day." oh wow. what a horrible dr. atleast when i asked about a brace she gave me one for free. but yea... i guess it's still too big cuz it makes my wrist hurt more when i use it and it presses in the middle of my thumb finger too much.

so i was opening my new box of honey nut cheerios (yes, i lowerd my cholestrol today) and there was this plastic wad on the top "what the f..." i took it out and was like "hm..." and looked at the box. "free shrek 2 watch inside! collect all 10!" and then i remembered... oh yeah... sweetened cereal does the toy thing... and i realized... shit... i'm so getting old. i got the cereal for the fiber reason and the taste, not for the toy. i even forgot about the toy. wow.

jon still doesn't do the cardio and he rags on me about my sweet tooth cuz i've been eating sweets like crazy. a popsicle here, a piece of a piece of pie there, some ice cream here, and cheesecake there... but then i elliptical for atleast 20 minutes twice a week making sure i do atleast two miles and 200 calories. i know, not much, but it's a start... and i also do 100-200 crunches afterwards and then 10 pushups, and also another twice a week i do 100 crunches in karate too. so i'm working out in a way four times a week atleast and not eating fast food. he's here complaining about his stomach and eats taco bell and does cardio on a bike for three minutes then quits because "i'm out of shape. i can't do it for 10 minutes." bullshit. whatever.

i'm so woried about my gpa. i'm not doing well in psych or anthro and that'll bring my 3.1 to like a 2.something. i'll be sad :( it took me so much effort to bring up my gpa. i was thinking of changing majors. i checked out business, computer science and psych. ok. so art takes 45 units... about one and a half years. maybe two since the classes are so long so you can only do so many a semester due to time. psych has 45 or so, about the same. business... 65-80. computer science? 89. yeah. shit. no way... i'd be in school for another four years. might as well be a frickin doctor or lawyer. and in computer science i'd need to take biology and physics and calc and stuff like that. god that'd suck. business needs all kinds of math too and all these econ and accounting classes that would bore the crap out of me and i'd fail. so... i don't think i'll go with that. so i'm thinking... major in psych and minor in art and computer science? or else minor in business and just get a web certificate for computer science work? i don't know. i'm so frazzled about classes to take. so many people are graduating this semseter and i'm JUST starting on my major. great. i'm going to be in school forever.

i haven't been getting up. i'll get up by like 10:30 on work days (i should be there at 9)and around 11 on school days, i should be there at 10:30. jon gets mad that he can't get up. "don't you care that you're an hour late for work?" no, actually, i really don't. i don't care if i'm late. i'm tired. i don't want to be awake. i don't want to mope around my day doing shit that i'm sucking at. school is awful and i'm so tired i can barely stay awake for my last lecture classes. work i'm not supposed to do hw... i have been tho. people don't update their files and so i have nothing to do and i don't want to "play" with the whiny drooly unruly kids so i just sit here. wee. oh! i finally got paid. $1200. yay! now i can pay the credit card the $600 i owe and have money left over to pay my other three credit cards, bills, and deposit for new apartment. oh yeah. i think i'm moving to a new apartment with jon in june. end of may/june 1. stuff like that. jon and i are just... us. i don't know what will come of us. i guess it's been so long we're just assuming we're going thru a bad phase and hopefully it will work out... just finish school and pay the bills and wait until we can have less stres.

this new apartment will let me keep nosy but nosy's been a butt lately. i told him i was getting rid of him and he was sad and mopey. then the next day he was insane and ate everything and peed and stuff. then i told him i was keeping him... and he came up to me a few times while he was out. now he's being back to a butt again. i don't know what to do with him. and for his bath in the new place? i don't know where i'll put it. maybe in the bathroom? i don't know. need to figure something out tho cuz having it all over the carpet is not a good thing. i also have to figure out a way to block off half of the room. i don't want him to have so much freedom in the new place. less stuff to fix up if he gnaws thru the walls...

well, it's almost 7pm. gym time. time to try and work off my flab. oh yeah. it's totally not changing. it's been a month of exercise and nothing. why is it so fucking slow. goddamit, hurry up and go away you ugly piece of shit. i hate my fat.

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