june 5, 2001; tuesday


bottom | back

8:06pm

i feel like i'm going to throw up. i'm so sick of... things. yes, ladies and gentelman, i am bleeding. thus the emotional insanity. i'm dying. anyway. so i'm in my own apartment now. i'll be here for the next two months. my sister didn't get in to her nursing aid class. so my dad calls me up. asks me what's going on. i say i'm not working until july 5th and my dad then asks how my sister's doing with her school. it's retarded to lie so i tell him... she didn't get in to the class. it was full and she couldn't add. he sighs and then does this minute long thing about how "you two" don't plan anything out and anything we do isn't certain and we can't do anything right and basically... i'm destined to be a failure again. he says there's no point in staying here and i should go back there. ummm... no. especially after that wonderful pep talk? i don't think so. he really knows how to piss the fucking shit out of me. i don't know why i let it get to me. i KNOW i can handle myself. i KNOW that if i really had to? i could totally be on my own. i'd be scrabbling for money and barely scraping by... but i'd manage. and then he goes off about how i can't do anything. well look father. you can't NOT be there for me when i needed a father my whole life, then step in when i'm grown up and i can handle myself and try to rule my life in your "planned out" "uniform" ways. i hate how everything in his life is so fucking planned, and therefore in order for ME to live a life i have to be like him... planned out and knowing everything that's to come. i'm trying to enjoy my life. i'm trying to make it so i don't have slits in my wrists, that i'm not off of a bridge in the bottom of some body of water, that i'm not drowning in my own vomit, that i'm not o.d.ed in my own bed, that i'm not dead and burried 6 feet under in some place that i didn't even want to be. i'm trying to life MY life in MY way and i don't need his fucking "guidance" in my life. he doesn't know me and doesn't know about me and he has NO right to be thinking he can tell me if i'm living my life "right" or "wrong." he has no right to put ANY fucking input in what i'm doing and my "success" in how i'm doing it. but i still let it get to me.

i'm liking this new place. my roommate is out for a few more weeks in italy and i'm here alone with her three adorable personality filled kitties (ok, cats... they're old and pretty big... but they're still kitties) and i get to do what i want. lately i've been lounging around, catching up on old 'buffy' episodes (shaddup. it's summer. i can do what i want. bleeeah) and cleaning. i've been feeding and cleaning the cats and whatever they leave (eeew... i swear it's TOTALLY toxic...) and i'm planning on going out and figuring out where the bus stop is and how to get to arden and i'm getting a job as soon as bettyly possible. i want my money to be on my own. i'm really liking not having anyone else around. and it's not like i'm becoming a recluse. if there's people i talk and i'm somewhat sociable. chris comes over often and i really enjoy him being here. he's totally great. he makes me happy. he's all these things and i just don't see why he's got an interest in me, or why he's still interested. but he is.

my grades sucked. i got a 2.7gpa. i'm elated about my 'c' in witchcraft, but... i got a 'd' in astronomy. i'm really pissed about that. i got an 'a-' in printmaking, 'a' in ceramics, and 'b' in astronomy lab and i'm happy about those, but the d i'm really mad about. ok, so the grades didn't SUCK. they just weren't... great. but i guess it's what i deserve. still mad about astronomy tho. stupid bratton. (teacher.)

my mom's got a "floater" in her eye. she can't see thru the right eye completely anymore. and she's been having major headaches. she went to the doctor to see if she had a stroke cuz that's what she thought. and that's what i heard from my sister. she didn't hear anything else. so i was freaking out and down and i called my mom and she insists she's ok. there was no stroke and apparently the floater "should" go away. ok... sure... it's scary. i know it's retarded but i just watched the buffy when her mom died (oh god i bawled my eyes out) and it's just... i keep thinking that it'll happen and what the hell will i do if i lose my mom. she's the only one who's talked to me, who's supported me, who's been there if i needed someone. i treat her like shit but she takes it and supports me again full force. if i lose her... i dunno what i'd do. and she keeps working and straining her body and doesn't take care of it. i can't lose my mom. i can't. and now this is happening. i'm so scared i don't know what to do. i can barely breathe when i think about it. i'm hurting so much from these thoughts i feel like i'm going to burst.

top | back

[View My Guestbook] [Sign My Guestbook]