july 15, 2001; sunday

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jon and i hooked up. yup. i'm at eric's right now. they're all lan-ing. george, sara?, eric, jeremy, and jon. eric got his wisdom teeth pulled yesterday. suckiness. i gotta get mine pulled still. i'm so not loking foward to it.

i'm kinda pretty muchly glad that chris didn't have the balls to talk to me. i've been able to get over him pretty well. and i keep thinking about why i liked him and it really was physicalness cuz he didn't talk to me so i didn't get to know him very well so there's not much of HIM that i miss. but i love his body. oh well. that's ok. jon's a total cuddle bug too. and my goal? no sex. for a while anyway. and jon's up with helping me keep it that way. i'm tired of relationships ending right away and sex being in the beginning. so i figure... no sex... and so i can now get to know him much better. and i'm super comfy too cuz... he's jon :) tee hee. i'm going out with jon. :D

i'm in a happy but confused place right now. jon makes me feel really good and stuff and he's like me... not good past relationships (ended quickly...) and he's kinda scared to get into one for the fear of losing the person. so he's been really open to me and showed me that he really cares and is there for me all the time... but my wall's been built and it's up and strong. i'm having problems trusting the one person i think i should be able to trust. he's so great. and he's adorable. and we can totally talk. i always thought that nathan was perfect... but i know that jon is. he's everything i'd want in a guy and more. it's so great. i really think that i can be really happy with him and he's gonna help me restore my faith in guys. i just wish i could find it in me to trust him...

went to shingle springs today. had lunch with uncle phil and talked with him. decided i'd start going there again. i talked it out with him and told him what was wrong with him and how he yells too easily and even tho he doesn't think it... everyone else sees it as he's pissed. so things are good. for now. we'll see if it continues.

amy-mom and daddy aren't doing to hot. i'm not happy about that.

watched a george carlin special today. ohmigod he's HILLARIOUS. or as my stepdad said... "he's funny as shit!" my lordy it was great.

i'm working at the bookstore again. i'm loving it. i hope i don't get fired. i'm late a lot. having problems getting up. i'm so lazy. volunteering at the suicide hotline too. it's exciting but scary. i have one more training session next week (had one last week) and then... i'm doing it. yeek! scary stuff...

i entered a bunch of pagent thingies for modeling. i hope i get in to one or something. one of them offers a $100,000 3 year contract if you get it... but i doubt i'll even make it thru the application process. but it'd be super awesomely nifty if i do. nelly i'd be elated.

i went to chico july 4th and stayed there over night. stayed in the same bed with brad and amity :) we had lots of fun. watched some of the worst fireworks i've ever seen there in chico and then we went back to am's where i helped her more with her room (i helped her clean, organize, decorate, and unpack her room) some more and then drove home. i was scared i'd fall asleep so i got some coffee. kicked in at about 12am... where i flipped on the cruise control and put it to 60mph. i was driving slower than the semi's. it was lots of fun. i was yelling at the road and singing at the top of my lungs and dancing. it was great. i drove the last half of the ride so lax. fun stuff. it's great not being on a rush and having the road to yourself.

i got a lot of sleep. slept from 10pm till 9am and then waited for my step-dad to picke me up and slept some more (aobut 20 minutes) and then rummaged thru old stuff and threw a bunch away (condensed 10 boxes in to two) and then i was supposed to see a.i. with jie and then waited for her and fell asleep for another hour and a half and now i'm awake. too much sleep tho. so i'm tired again. i sleep a lot. i'm getting depressed for some reason. that thing from last year on my arm is acting up again. this random bite thing i thought was a bug bite but benedryl made it worse and cortizone made it even worse and then i figured out it acted up everytime i was depressed. so yeah. i'm depressed. i think it's cuz i can't figure out what i'm feeling or where i'm going... oh well. things are good now. i'm happy.

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