july 31, 2001; tuesday


i'm so happy with jon. i've been kinda depressed lately and suicidal dreams have been coming around and i've wanted to jump out of cars or cut myself (not to kill myself, but the just clear some of the pain inside in my burning blood...) but then i think that i mite lose jon and so i don't do it. jon's been stressed lately and i want to be able to help him rid that stress. too bad i'm stressed too and he wants to rid mine as well... so we're two stressed people trying to help each other out :p he's so cuddly. it's great. and he's little. and his shoulder's at the perfect spot for a head rest. *sigh* i'm kinda starting to get more comfortable and i'm making myself try to let myself open up to him... but i'm still scared that he's just gonna change his mind. just like everyone else. but... we went to chico. i was so scared to cuz everytime i go there with a guy... something weird happens. well... we're still good. great. super. and i'm kinda thinking that this could be something really... nice. i hope it lasts... it's been almost a month now. seems like it's been forever, but at the same time it still feels like the first few days of a relationship. we've been together almost everyday and night and every free moment we're together and so it seems like we've been together for a much longer time period than we have been... but at the same time... everytime i see him i get giddy and everytime i hear his voice i can't help but smile. i can't see him enuf and i love everything about him.


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