july 6, 2000

my rant: my heart hurts. my chest hurts. i have a urinary tract infection (UTI.) i'm pmsing. i'm not sleeping. i have to work in 5 hours. i almost lost a family member. i think i'm going to throw up and pass out at the same time. i can't smile. i feel like crying but nothing will come out. my house is for sale. i have no control. i have to be the "stable" one of the family. i have to be understanding and the support to nearly everyone who has problems. i haven't had a break since may 23, 1998. i'm sick. my eyes hurt. my glasses are already broken and i have to go get another pair for $129. i have to pay for college. i can't think straight. it's cold but hot and i keep breaking out in a sweat that will go away but then it will come back and i'm not feverish but then i almost pass out and i sit and then i have to get up again in a few seconds to help someone else because they are unstable and i'm "stable" and i have to help. my throat is burning and has for two weeks straight. the closest friend i've ever had hates me. the one person i've ever truly loved i'm finally getting over... and now they're for some reason trying to get back in my life. i can't sleep. my medication makes me sick. i make me sick. so i'm sorry if i'm not "there" for you. i have a few problems. i'm trying my best to be "here." so shut the fuck up and stop pushing me. i can only take so much...

i miss you zach

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