August 7, 2003



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happy two years and a month to jon and me.

it's kinda crazy how it's been the same minutes for all the times i've written for the three or four entries recently. tsg got in an accident... a truck hit him. lookat this:

notice the lack of an airbag... yeah... it didn't pop out. it's crazy he's okay. i think he's hurtin', but he's alive. he said he'll talk to vw about it. dood, i'd SO sue...

jon came to visit on sunday. it was nice. we had some good cuddle time. no no, not good... supreme. it was the best in a very long long long time. i was sad when he left. and our day of comfiness was over.

jon had an interview with at&t on monday for a job doing telephone support. it was actually just a "this is what you're getting yourself in to" meeting... first off it starts with two months of intensive training. m-f, 9-5, no tardies, no absences. crazy shit. after that, attendence is critical for employment. kristina (from the crew) is the one who suggested the job in the first place... she's been there for a few years. jon had a REAL interview today at 10am. he thought it went well. i really hope it did. i hope he gets it... he said there were about 45 people and 20 positions. i'll be so happy if he gets this job. on monday i said all my luck went to him. i didn't have too good of luck on monday. i woke up late, this ugly bruise on my arm (it's HUGE and i have no idea where it came from) got bigger and uglier, i went out and brought my brother home late and got my dad really mad at me, some other stuff i can't remember cuz my head is jumbled, and at the end of the night i think i licked some poison chalk. it's this chalk my step-mom has. it's soooo neat. you draw a line and ants don't cross over it, right? right... but... this chalk... is POISON. ooo. yeeeah. the ants cross it or try to and they're poisoned. in a few minutes they wither and die. muwahahaha. anyway. so that day was done...

tuesday i took the kids swimming. i went to work at amy-mom's and got home around 7pm, ate, and talked to my mom. we talked until around 11pm... trust, nu skin, money, school, jon, housing, life. lost of stuff. cried a lot. afterwards i questioned my future with jon. i hate that. i feel lost and confused. i was very depressed.

wednesday. i felt like crap. SO didn't want to get up. anyway. told the boys i didn't feel like doing anything and that after they did piano we could just rot. so we played video games from 11-2pm. at 2:30 the babysitter came and i went out to osh to get root-be-gone and jeff and his friend ryan went to toys 'r us for yu gi oh cards. whatever. i went to osh and i told the two that i wanted help finding a person who seemed like they knew what they were talking about. ryan's a ferkin' smart ass and was like "oh... THAT woman! go to HER!" and it was this chick who was organizing lunchboxes and random shit. i didn't want to go to her. we walked by and ryan went "uh... we passed her" and she heard so shit i had to go back. dumb kid. i asked her if there was root killer and she gave me this look. "well, we have some in gardening" "no no, i mean for the pipes." another look like i was totally crazy "uh... no, i don't think they make that. but you can go to isle 8 and see the draino we have". oookay. i went to isle 8. there was like 8 different bottles. safeway has a bigger selection. well, first thing i saw "root killer" two different kinds. retard lady. this guy came and asked if i needed help. he suggested i ask the plumber to come and check the joints of the toilets (oh yeah. the toilets on one side of the house don't work at my dad's. ALWAYS clog. and it's not just when i poo my rock poo. it's with any flushing) before i try it, but if i get it i can return it. he knew what he was talking about. it was 4:00 and jeff had karate at 4:30 so we got it and went back. at the door jeffrey got up to knock and bashed the window pane in. just... smash. "oh shit! er.. uh.." he had hit it smack in the middle and the thing just shattered. uh oh. daddy'd be pissed. we decided it was someone else who did it. weren't sure how we'd get jonathan to play along, but oh well. babysitter helped clean it.

i went to saratoga and went to officemax to look for dvd-r's for john john. he's burning me many a dvd. well, the only ones there were + and he needs -. whatever that means. i went to john john's, gave him back his playstation 2 (we borrowed it to play monkey, a.k.a. "ape escape 2") and he gave me old school, uncensored. got back in the car and daddy called. "so. what happened to the window." uhhh... shit. "uhhh... i dunno" "jeffrey said it's broken. did he do it?" well i couldn't lie, that always gets me. "well... uh... i dunno" "what happened" "well, he knocked and it broke" "so he did it. he said someone else did it." oh shit. damn it boy. "oh..." "i have to have a talk with him." crap. sorry bro :(

i got back home and grabbed my shit and jetted from the house. so didn't want to see my dad and have him ask me more questions. it was 6pm and i was on my way home. 7pm came and i had gone 30 miles. traffic sucked. then i was able to go 65-80. that was good. i talked to jie about me and jon and came to some conclusions. if jon didn't get the att job then he'd either go to school, or get a new job. radio shack was not an option. i feel if he gets the att job he doesn't need to go to school for now since it is so time consuming. i went to jon's and talked to his parents about money and school for an hour. finally got home around 9:30. nosy nad been out since 4 so he was in a pretty mellow/good mood. all week long he had been a devil ass and been driving jon crazy. one night he crawled under the fridge and refused to come out. he'd even poke his nose out and wiggle it, then crawl back further. brat.

i was starving and jon gave me an apple. we talked some then we went to bed.

SO didn't want to get up today. alarm went off at 9am and i changed it to 10. i snoozed it at 10 and slept until 11. oops. jon came home. said his interview had gone well. i asked and he said he'd bring me to work. yay :) i noticed my favorite picture of us was missing, and so was a magnet. nosy was in the room so i think he took it and brought it somewhere. i'm upset about that. i love that picture. and i don't have the negatives. darn chinchilla. i got to work and figured out a schedule for school. i have to add so many classes. if all goes as planned, i will be so bogged with school i won't have time to think. two art histories, government, history, english 20 (composition), anthropology, spanish, AND italian. i want my ge done, damn it.

afternoon came and i decided to call jeffrey and see if he was still alive. he was, and he said everything was fine. the window's already fixed (damn that was quick) and daddy didn't even get that mad. weird. lucky butt... i wish i was a boy. i'd get away with so much...

i think jon and i are ok. he told me that he's not staying with radio shack. if at&t doesn't go through, he said he's going to search for a better job. it was so relieving to hear that. i don't know if he will take money from his parents but we will see. i don't want to push it. i've been very pushy. we talked a little about later on. i remember before he saw me and thought i would change. i figured he loved what he wanted me to be and how i was before. yesterday he told me that he's ok with how i am now and he will continue to love me. it was weird... i'm so annoying and bitchy... i don't understand him.

we were going to move out to our own place. a place he could call his own. i decided not to after talking to my mom. it'd be too much of a financial burden right now. i'd have to ask daddy for money on a consistent basis and i would have to tell him i'm living with jon. that wouldn't go well. so i just decided we'll stay here another year and get cable internet and finish the school year. carol should be graduating in the summer and then we'll decide if we are to move and where and if we will together. i feel we will be more stable and things will be more clear. i hope.

nathan and his girlfriend got a dog. her name is foozool. it is the cutest thing. she is an 8 week old yorkshire terrier. i'm so jealous. everytime i talk to nathan i get jealous. i wish i didn't. and yet i pry. i continue to wonder what's going on. as of now he's getting 2k a paycheck, $18 an hour. he has two companies that are starting off and they are starting to take on. he has a gorgeous, tall, skinny girlfriend who sounds perfect. he's graduating in june. his life is perfect. i was talking to jon yesterday. it's so bad. i want to take the dog. i want to take her away from nathan and tina and take away some of their happiness. i'm so jealous that they are so damned happy. i'm very miserable. i hate being jealous.
fake lookin' foozool skinny foozool tina and foozool
foozool looking fake foozool from the side tina (pretty) and foozool (so cute)

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