september 22, 2000; friday


journal entry: i'm so confused. i don't know what i'm feeling. i hate being vulnerable. GAAHH!! it's all noah's fault. and uncle phil liked noah. so it's his fault. (it'a always uncle phil's fault.) i was late again today to math. missed the quiz. this time i missed it totally and completely. he didn't even bother giving me a quiz to try and take. heh. oops. test is wednesday. atleast i turned in the homework. english... i finally kinda did my expository that was due what was it... last monday? yeah. ha. so i turned it in and i gotta go in monday morning to work on it with the teacher. i downloaded macster (yes neil, i did. shaddup.) and i'm going mp3 crazy again. i think it's frozen again tho... oh well. i'm seriously mellow today.

yesterday i missed all my classes. slept at neil's again the night before and i slept in till 2:30pm. totally forgot that i had a meeting to go to with my drama/theater teacher. oops... gotta reschedule i guess... eh heh. i talked to my mom about this whole noah thing and that i've been missing classes and she says "i'm proud of you" and i'm like... wow. i've missed classes and she's proud? cool. "these things are more important than college. and you recognized the situation and coped with it" even tho it was skipping classes and running in the middle of the night and being a depressed little puppy. well... i'm trying to get back on track now.

i really don't think noah knows what he did to me. nathan was my first and only love and after him i basically shut myself from the possibility of more. and besides... i don't know if i could feel that deeply for someone else either. noah comes and i'm like... eh. summer fling. why not. wee. fun. but then i totally fall for him. i know i felt something for him. and i didn't know what. i know it's bad but i keep comparing... is it as deep as i felt for nathan? no... not even close... but then again... all i know is nathan. all that i've ever felt is what i've felt for nathan. it's all that's in me. so i was and have been confused. then the whole chico/not talking thing happened. and now this. what does he expect from me? i was nearing figuring out what i felt and he just killed it. how could i love him. he was great. funny, sweet, caring, honest, cute, friends and family liked him, and best of all... got along with my brothers. i loved so much watching him and jonathan playing mah johng. it was the cutest thing in the world. then he pulls this on me. what am i to feel now? ok, cheating is one thing. i know, we weren't even together. but still. ok. so he goes and has a fling. maybe that's... no, that's acceptable. look at me. i'm here the college slut with no sex. sleeping with all these guys every night just cuz i'm vulnerable. i mean... if the guy doesn't kick me out, i'll stay there. i'm cuddly and if i find a cuddle buddy? i'm there. but he went on and they started officially going out. and worst yet... he didn't tell me. even after amity told him she'd tell me, he didn't call. what have i learned from this? once again, i tried to do something for me to be happy. noah made me happy. so i let my guard down and i fell... and hit. he let me down. i can't be happy. i also learned amity is a true friend and reliable.

chris is seriously adorable. i love his eyes. they're so nice. and he's finally admitting his adorableness :) yes! i'm getting thru!!!! i think it's unhealthy for me to be so giddy over an online guy tho... so... i'll stop... really. i am. *ahem* yeah.

justin and erica. *sigh* i dunno about them... i can't help but be seriously mad at erica. justin's such a good friend and he means so much to me. he's helped me out with everything and he's there for me and he's given me advice (too bad i've been too lame to follow... none of the noah or zach drama would have happened if i'd listened to justin... damn me. oh well... i know now. listen to justin. yes. justin is all knowledgeble. :) ) and he's just a great friend. and then there's erica. i barely know her so i can't judge... but she puts him in such misery. he stayed back in saratoga for her. he's going to san jose state instead of somewhere else. he's not experiencing the dorm experience because of her. his life is basically devoted to her... and she doesn't even show a hint of appreciation. i can't help but be infuriated with her. i mean... he gives her everything and anything that a girl could want and all she does is shrug it off. i don't want justin to be hurt, but no matter what he will. staying together he's gotta put up with her crap, and apart... he's so in love with her he can barely comprehend the thought. and besides... they've been through so much. three years. it's like an eternity for high schoolers...

my mom's coming today. we're gonna go celebrate my sister's birthday (she's 20 on the 29th everybody!!!!) after her meeting (soon) and then frolick among the city.

neil went home today. no more cuddle buddy for me. he stayed here last night. it was nice. we all (ca, neil, me) watched some anime thing and then "my neighbor totoro." we fought for the pillow (i love neil's pillow... it's like nathan's) and then i got him to come over and we went to sleep.

am's coming this weekend too. either that or i'm going to granite bay with the scottish guy. i'm not sure yet. i gotta call am. ok. gonna go check on macster now.

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