september 25, 2000; monday


note: here's what i'm wearing today:
that purpley black laceyish tank top and beigy pants that fit and my hair's down and it's starting to get long and it's straight with bobby pins and i have purple eye shadow and i was wearing contacts so you could see my eyes and i'm wearing a toe ring to accentuate the cuteness of my adorable toes and red sandles... those huge ones that go "ffsh ffsh ffsh ffsh."

just thought i'd share :] yeah... and i'm not pimpin' on anyone... it's just when i feel ugly inside i try to dress up pretty outside.


stuff: damn it. didn't get the picture of jon sleeping. oh well. i have a lack of words. i made it to math early today. got the quiz done and everything. all right. go me. two whole points for betty. test wednesday. too bad i missed the appt. i had with my english teacher at 9am. shit. i'm so fucked. the essay's due in half an hour and i still haven't had her help me out with it. oh well. i think i'm gonna drop out of college. not now necessarily. but it will come.

uncle bobby went back in the hospital. john john is talking about donating his liver... i feel like crying. i want him to get better. people only have on liver... cerosis... it just happened randomly. poor john john... i want to hug him. too much shit going on.

i can't cry. i tear. i want to just break down. i tried this morning. nothing came. so i'm stuck here with my chest burning like there's a volcano churning in it. i want to rip out my chest. my head is pounding. i can't make it go away. i can't make myself cry. i talk about it and i waver... but then i can't continue talking or i'll cry infront of people. i can't do that. i look like a fucking idiot crying. i hate it. it's worse than when i run.

i don't know what's going on in my head. it's just spinning. and it won't stop.

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