september 4, 2001; tuesday

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i'm siiiiiiiiiiiick. :( i had a peach. later on discovering that it was in a bad full of rancid, rotting, molding peaches. greeeat. dad's trying to kill me. and to think... i thought he'd gotten over that. nope.

jon's friends don't like me. eric and melissa. melissa says i'm too happy, i'm fake, and i tell people what to think and do. too happy... that's just a retarded reason to not like someone. then again i say people are ugly... but i don't dislike them for that. if they can show me they're nice people by talking to me then even tho they're ugly i don't dislike them. it's about the person. moving along. fake, yeah, everyone is. what good is moping around everywhere. you spread it. everyone's moping around. do you feel good? do others feel good? yeah, you're not fake... but then you're miserable. and so is everyone else. i see no purpose in doing that. so i'm fake. i tell people what i think is right. i guess i do force it upon people a lot. but they seem to REALLY dislike me. i think eric does it cuz he just agrees with melissa. it's pretty retarded, i think. you'd think they'd be over this highschool attitude by now. well melissa's a senior, but she's more mature than that. i'd think she's 19 or 20. but the way she's acting about this... pretty stupid. yeah, everyone has their own opinion. and if it was a better one... like... i'm too controlling. or i'm just an all around bitch. ok, i'd understand. i'm too happy? what the hell is that. i think it's just she had jon to herself before me and now that jon's with me she doesn't get jon time and she's upset about that and hates me. she says that i'm taking away jon time. as jon says... if they'd get along with me and not say stuff about me then he'd be there. with me. and then they say that jon never spends time with them anymore by himself. since they've been together, melissa and eric have been apart... eh... not much. everything she's said she's been hypocritical about.
jon's been brought down over this. it's starting to piss me off. they're getting lamer and lamer about it and it's just... grow up. ok, they don't like me. i get it. fine. a lot of people don't like me, hate me, want me dead. whatever. but they could at least shut up about it and grow up around their friend. jon's got enuf stress as it is. it's pissing me off. i want him to be with his friends and instead he'd rather be with me cuz of this whole thing. he insists i don't stress him out... but then he's here with me instead of hanging with his friends (a thing he'd planned to do) and upset about this all. i consider that stress. dwelling on a subject... yeah.

all this thinking puts me in to a spot where i'm thinking... everything was good when i wasn't there. they're just being butts cuz... i'm here. so... if i go? maybe it'll be better? they won't be bitching about betty anymore cuz... she'll be out of their wonderful dark little worlds of sex and diablo. (uh uh, not bitter. not at all.) so then i think of just... breaking it off with jon. cuz his friends were there before me. they've been there for him. and suddenly it's the scenario... girl comes around and screws everything up. mates come and go... friends are forever, right? i dunno.

i like jon a lot. when i'm with him i can't let go. he's everything i'd ever want in a person and more. but when we're apart i'm thinking more of... how can i make him happy... and i'm not in that picture. i just think about me telling him that it's not working. and i get depressed and upset. i don't want to lose him. but then at the same time i do. and i'm now stressing over his stress. which is created by me. and it's all a stupid circle. what's the deal of turning 18 and 21. everyone's still a fucking child.

and. once again. i have no new friends. kristine (new roommate) is off partying and hanging out with other people in the dorms. me? i'm down and feeling shitty over all this fucking high school drama crap. my friends are amity, justin, nick, carol, and jon. can't really talk to any of them. well i think the one i could talk to the most would be nick. but he's as stressed as jon and going thru shit himself and he's also in the middle of this whole ball of retardedness. so much for more friends and a better start of a year. i was hoping this year would be better. it's looking pretty dark to me.

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