The bipolar ramblings of a bitter girl If you don't like what you read, leave.


Gender: Female
City: Sacramento
Country: US

Saturday, June 17, 2006


It's so easy...

I want to hate my friends. The ones who were there for me then left. Highschool I had Justin, and then college came. Jon became my new Justin and it was fortunate because Justin has since dissappeared from the face of this Earth. I haven't heard from him since. No email responses, no texts, no calls.

Along came Sid. I had issues and he was always there to give me insightful advice and was blunt with the good and the bad. He told me what was what and it was so great to have him there. And then his life got busy... no more Sid.

Cue my Ben. We had some flingy things going on here and there then that stopped for a while... I had issues with myself and with guys and for some reason he was there and helped me through all that and got me to start working on me. He's looked out for me to see that whatever I do it's for my best interest. We tried being something through our attachments to each other, even though we've discussed it before and were pretty sure it wouldn't work out. A few weeks in and suddenly I was hearing less from him and seeing him less. I missed him too much and I was turning to Jon to talk to... atleast I have Jon quasi back... yeah, quasi because there's still me holding back since it's still sometimes odd for me. But yeah. Broke it off with Ben so I could have him back there when I need and want him but that hasn't helped and now Ben's gone too.

I'm at my sister's waiting for 8:30pm so that we go to my dad's for father's day. I tried contacting Joe since he's a couple blocks away from here but he fell off the Earth and decided not to respond to me anymore. I was gonna get a crepe then decided it's better if I stay without my cravings of peanut butter nutella and remember that it sucks being poor and to stop spending money on shit that's not necessary so that I can spend it on edible things that aren't necessary.

Gilbert is like one of the cutest cats around. It's so adorable how he's still extremely fascinated by the Litter Maid. It's been around for what... Jon and I got it last Christmas? Or was it Jie's birthday present... I think birthday... anyway, so it's been like a year or something and he's still like "woah... that's... it's moving... and... how does it... it's making noise... it... moves... and... how..." and it's so adorable how he stops, looks, slowly walks towards it and does that "I'm soooooo intrigued" head cocking thing that animals and Betty do.

My fake nails are finally falling off. The ones that aren't are pretty much stuck like glue but the ones that have the nails are so thin it hurts. One of them decided to crack today and it's like at the flesh so I put a bandaid on it in hopes I'll get some super glue or something since it'll be ridiculously painful if I don't repair it. If it was more nail and less where-the-skin-is I'd so do the rip-it-off deal, but yeah, this'll hurt like a bitch.

Paid for my mommy's birthday present today and will pick it up tomorrow. It's this cute bee thing. I'll post a picture when I feel like it. The artist is great. I want sunomono. My self-esteem is like -1 right now.

7:37 PM - 4 Comments - 0 Kudos


I'm not going anywhere

Posted by Ben on Sunday, June 18, 2006 at 9:25 AM


i thought justin sent you some random text message when we were in the bay one time. yeah. real specific. you know me. chocked full of details. did i spell chock right? should it be chalk like what you draw with on the sidewalk? i dunno. anyway. i'm tired.

Posted by Reowr on Monday, June 19, 2006 at 9:40 AM


apparently he called me, twice, but then i called back and no answer and the voicemail sounded like a pocket call. so yeah, no real contact still.

Posted by Betty on Tuesday, June 20, 2006 at 2:35 AM

just jon

should i kill him? i know where he lives.

Posted by just jon on Wednesday, June 21, 2006 at 10:44 PM


simple words

I hate how they all go at the same time.
I hate being alone.
I hate feeling sad.
I love my dancing Godzilla.
I hate being needy.
I hate the words that people say.
I hate the actions that are never made.
I hate the bitterness that flows through me.
I hate the hollow pain.
I hate the nauseous feelings.
I hate the urge to spill and let it go.
I hate the urges.
I hate desires.
I hate the thoughts, the wants, the constant spinning and pushing and aching and callings.
I hate the feeling that my chest is going to purge itself through my ears and eyes and temples.
I hate the numbness.
I wonder if it'll become unbearable...
I wonder how I'll act when it happens.

3:56 PM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos


so much hate. hate brings you over to the dark side. oh. wait. you never saw star wars. nevermind.

Posted by Reowr on Monday, June 19, 2006 at 9:41 AM


My hair is gorgeous...

... but the rest of me's looking kinda shabby and inside I feel like shitty loneliness. In need of company but there was none today. I was going to go to see Moore but then Jie didn't want to pay the cover and then I realized I really didn't want to either but I really wanted the CD so I can have more of their songs (I love her voice) so I just went and bought the CD and came home.

I got three hours of sleep last night because I went to Jon's and then I was exhausted then had a psychotic spurge of energy and wouldn't shut up. Jon almost choked me out but then I told him Bobby said I'll have a headache and he'd feel bad if he did that to me so he stopped. I couldn't sleep because suddenly I had anxiety issues and my back was fucking up and then the birds that used to be at McClintock came over to Jon's and they were chirping like fucking alarms and then the retard dog started going too and then another dog went and I was about to go insane so even though I went to bed around 6am I got up at 8:30am to shower and get ready for my appointment at 11am. Ended up passing out since it got quiet after Jon tried working on my back (with no avail, it's too fucked up right now) and woke at 10:30am and hauled ass to the psych. Made it and got more meds and I'm gonna start taking Ambien again. Really. Ha. Like last time. Right. I need to, anyway. Maybe paying the $150 or so for it will make me realize I better take this shit since it's costing me a ton without any insurance. Amity told me to get what her brother has, it's like $60 p/m and there's no co-pay and it covers stuff. Better than the $50 co-pay and 20% coverage but $150 out of my pocket every month. I'll look into it again... before it's too late and I get in some horrendous accident and I'm never able to get insurance ever and I'm in debt for the rest of my life and whoever takes over my shit's life and their kin's lives.

I think I'll go pass out now. Today was the worst day of work ever. It went on forever and I fell asleep so many times and got like nothing done. I even took a nap and full on was dreaming about shit. I felt so off. And yet here I am anyway at 3:30am still awake.

I hate the heat. I'm not happy.

3:31 AM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos

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