So yeah, "no holds bar" ... I'm gonna bitch and moan about everything here and so if you're gonna be all butt hurt and offended that I bitch about you then you shouldn't subscribe or read my shit. I get mad at everyone, so chances are I'll bitch about you eventually. If you can't handle it, then yeah, don't read.
So I have been meaning to go into Starbucks and add it as another job for part timing and making some extra money. 10-15 hours a week... but the manager isn't there when I try and so it hasn't happened yet. Gonna try again Saturday when she's working twilight (unless I'm doing overtime, which I should try to do) and then again on Monday before work.
I'm sucking at being responsible. I've been meaning to get up earlier everyday and never do. I barely make it to work on time, and often I'll end up being a few minutes late. I need to get my act together. At the same time I'm really tired right now. My wrists have gotten really bad over the past week. Stress isn't helping much either. I was doing so well after finally getting employed and relationships were looking up... then this past week things have just been not so peachy. My wrists and back are horrendous (well I'd say about a constant 7 on the 1-10 owie scale, 1 being nothing and 10 being oh-shit-knock-me-out-now, with it wavering up to 8 or 8.5) and they've started making me nauseous in and out of the day. It wakes me up at night too. I'm running low on my sleeping pills now since I've had no insurance to help cover the costs and doctors can't give "samples" out so yeah, gonna need to dish out the money for that. Lots of expenses coming up and I don't know if I'll be able to handle it since I might have to quit my job... but yeah, there's the pain, then the realization that Ben really isn't over his ex, the unsuredness of if we should continue being a "we," more debts, attachment issues, and Jon's telling me of who his new desire is.
I'm tired of coming home and needing to clean shit up since it's disgusting and I'm not going to use the sink if it's filthy and I can't just "let it go." I'll be cranky and then bitch out Bobby and then he gives me that "shut the fuck up, mom" look and go back to his room and on the computer. I don't want to be the "mother" of this place but nothing gets done and I could either let it all go to shit and so I'll have a ton to do at once, or else silently go and do everything, or bitch while I do it. He obviously doesn't listen if I just tell him or ask him to do shit. He'll say he'll do it and never get to it. I need to load the dishwasher of his dishes 70% of the time, I have to take out and bring in the trash, I have to empty the trashes, I have to clean the bathroom and kitchen, and to keep up maintenance on shit I have to keep hounding him about it and I get shit for it. I've thought about moving out, too, but I really don't know if I could handle really being on my own very well. The idea sounded so good to me last week when I was feeling seriously hormonal and shitty and hating everyone and thinking how I'd be so much more proud of myself and be able to respect myself if I could really get my act together and do shit on my own... but I'd get so depressed all alone in my own place. I don't know how my sister and Amity do it ... but Amity now has her dad with her for the time being in the spare room.
So I've noticed that at school and work I'm always the target for the supervisor. I'm all sweet and cute and then they remember me right off the bat as cute little Betty then they watch me like a hawk. Every move and action they take note and I get hounded for all the little things that I do that might be not-ok whereas other people get away with it. In school I'm called on when no one else knows the answer. If I'm late or absent they notice. If I'm talking I get in trouble. If I'm eating I have to put it away. If I'm wearing jeans I get written up. What the fuck.
So yeah, Jon and his new thing... so apparently I "met" her way back when we first started. I had no idea. I wish he hadn't told me. In all honesty I don't wish. I have mini anxiety attacks when it's like birthday candle time since I don't have any wish in my head. I don't bother with them since they're all let downs... anyway... yeah... I'd like it more if I hadn't known though. I finally remembered what event he was talking about that I "met" her at and how we had fought about how he would never dance or go out but then this night she was there and was like "come on Jon, dance" and he goes out on the floor. I don't even remember what she looked like, I just remember being seriously pissed off and bitter... and that's now what I think when I hear her name.
Atleast I consider myself a BIT more mature than Eric and Melissa, though, and if Jon gets together with her even if I stay bitter and don't like her I'm not gonna make him feel like shit for being with her and intentionally make his life hell over him being happy with someone. I wish I didn't get so angry and hold grudges so long. It's so fucking stupid but I can't just stop it. In all honesty though I don't think I want to meet her though to erase my original thoughts on her that are completely irrational in the first place. Whatever. Time to grow up.
Things I need to pay for:
-psych visit tomorrow ($117)
-meds ($250 )
-tires (they're seriously balding) ($450 )
-oil change ($whatever the discount is... like $15 or something)
-nordstroms card ($150)
... and my check was only $250 since Monday was a holiday. Fuck. I need to use my credit card again. Great.
2:11 AM - 1 Comments - 0 Kudos